America wins

One of the many nations that I have citizenship in is the United States of America. Recently, it has been decided (by me) that America wins.

It has withstood the test of time, it has outlasted every other developed nation (and even some developing nations), it stayed the course, stuck to its guns...

Thats right... America is the last place in the world (that counts) to still practice capital punishment.

Russia's ban on the death penalty will remain when a current legal suspension expires on 1 January, the country's Constitutional Court has ruled.

It said the use of the death penalty was now impossible because Russia had signed international deals banning it.

It doesn't get better than that. When a country where you don't drive your car, it drives you, refuses to execute people, you know that whomever remains is clearly the strongest and mostbest™.

How does this equal trillions of dollars? Ummmm.... invest in this concept... yeah...

I just remembered... I left my... gold machine running... I have to go and... I'll just...

::EXITS INTERNET::

Ahh religion 2

I was informed by one of my servants that my last post could be considered insufficient information for making trillions of dollars by itself.

Well, thats your problem, not mine.

Like I said, the world is an interesting place. In one part of the world, we have:

Under Sharia law, anyone who has ever been married - even a divorcee - who has an affair is liable to be found guilty of adultery, punishable by stoning to death.

In another part of the world we have:

Susan Finkelstein, the Phillies fan who posted a Craigslist ad saying that she was in desperate need of World Series tickets and “maybe we can help each other,” is having her 15 minutes of fame, as she makes her way around the television and radio circuit today.

The moral of the story? Diversify your stock portfolio. DIVERSIFY! Invest in both poop and poop scoopers, back hoes and front hoes, the sun and the moon, women and men, Macs and PCs, shapes and social concepts, caffeinated coffee and decaff, China and America, swine flu and bird flu, explosions and implosions...

You get the point.

Ahh religion

Our world is a very interesting place. We have trees, computers, Jackie Chan, poetry and coffee. These are the only things we possess.

Thats it.

Have a nice day.

Don't scare yourself to death

It can be said that making money is exceptionally difficult if you are dead. Some people do manage to do it, but as your primary source of financial information, I cannot in good conscious say that it is a good idea.

By the same token, I CAN recommend that you do not make or sell a product that kills people by accident. This will hurt your sales and possibly innocent people.

For example, do not try to sell a real or even a fake deadly 50ft supersnake.

A photograph purporting to show a 55ft snake found in a forest in China has become an internet sensation.



The thread claimed the snake was one of two enormous boas found by workers clearing forest for a new road outside Guping city, Jiangxi province.

The post claimed that the digger driver was so traumatised that he suffered a heart attack on his way to hospital and later died.

Do the opposite of whatever the British do

Look at the British over there, with all of their... things... that aren't as valuable as American things.

Man, they certainly do NOT know how to spend or make money over there. Universal health care for all? Fuck that. That's no way to make money. America is the last industrialized nation to make money off of sick people. And that is what Matt and I are proud of most in this country. Stupid healthy English people.

But the United Kingdom doesn't just suck at making money, they also don't seem to be able to spend it properly. Look at this couple?

A Suffolk couple are refusing to move out of their two-bedroom council house - a year after winning nearly £4m on the lottery.

A council house is similar to government subsidized housing in America for poor people.

Stan and Pat Cable have been accused of hogging their £65-a-week property instead of freeing it up for a needy poor person.

But they insist that they have no intention of moving away from their home of 27 years, reports the Daily Mail.

First of all; incorrect last name. Your last name cannot be Cable. Thats stupid. Change it with your money. Secondly, why does the daily mail report news items? How does it do that? In America, the daily mail just sits there in your mail box until you interact with it, and then it still doesn't do anything but exist and have words printed on them. You know why? Because spending billions on technologically advanced mail that can report the news is a terrible waste of funds.

The row began when the Cables gave an interview to a local newspaper in which they revealed how they could not tear themselves away from the council home in Eye.

It is extremely inappropriate to be living inside someone's eye. As a man who purchased several medical degrees from universities in the Caribbean, I can tell you that having humans dwelling inside your eye isn't the best thing for your health. But then again, health care is free in England so I suppose they can get away with such risky behavior over there. Still, whats the point? If your house is built upon the cornea of another human, you won't be able to control what you see out your windows, because the view will be the focused vision of another person. And that person could spend their life staring at something boring, like mountains.

But Mr Cable, 64, a groundworker who retired 11 years ago with a bad back...

What the fuck is a ground worker? How are you supposed to make any money working on the ground instead of a sterile office environment. The ground also cannot be improved... so stop working on it.

Mr and Mrs Cable were living on £500 a month when they won £3,980,528 last year. At the time they said their only plans were to buy a new caravan.

Wait a minute, they own an entire caravan? A caravan of what? Horse drawn carriages? The English make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I thought these people were poor. Does the government in the UK also subsidize caravans of horse draw carriages? Why? Do they still think they're going to settle the New World? A couple who makes $1000 a month in American cannot afford a caravan because in America, we don't help poor people do anything useful or useless.

So if you want to make money folks, do the opposite of whatever the British are doing.

Be something rediculous for Halloween

I will make the following suggestions for Halloween:

1) Go as something awesome and charge people for enjoying your costume... "excuse me sir, that will be $5 for increasing your cultural understanding of our universe and possibly other people's universi"

2) Don't go as anything and tell people that that is what you are going as... "Hey Yojimbo, what are you?" says the corner store clerk, you say "I am nothing". The corner store clerk says "I understand completely and fully, here is $5".

3) Go as a trillionaire, but first, read our entire blog so you know how to become one.

4) Shut up

5) Officially declare war on reason and go as someone who was going to go as Michael Jackson but decided against it. No one will be expecting that.

6) No costumes for dogs. That is dumb and a waste of money (which are actually the same thing). Dogs do not understand the concept of disguisement™ and do not require a costume. Costumes are reserved for creatures that are self-aware.

7) Go AS Halloween for Halloween... everyone will drop whatever they are doing to concentrate on what you are dressed as, and once they figure it out, they'll give you five dollars.

8) Other insane ideas

Be credited for inventing something that was invented when the universe formed

Matt and I begun offering a discreet service many years ago called CreditRedirection™ wherein you would pay us to make everyone think you were given credit for things that you didn't actually do.

Al Gore was our first customer.

However, it would seem that others are catching onto a trend that we set (we actually set the trend, we didn't redirect the credit... or did we... our service is so good that I am not even sure if I invented the trend).

Italian invents edible plates

An Italian catering boss is planning to clean up with an amazing range of edible plates for schools - that never need washing.

Tiziano Vicentini made the plates out of a kind of bread dough - tough enough to last a lunchtime but tasty enough to eat afterwards.

Yes... clearly no one has ever eaten anything without the use of a plate. You know those bread bowls that your soup comes in sometimes? NOPE. Didn't happen. STRICKEN FROM YOUR BRAIN-FACE.

This guy should have used our service. We have one rule; don't be an idiot. This weeds out the vast majority of the population. You simply cannot convince people that the concept of eating food is something you invented. Because that is all this is. A derivative of the concept of eating food. Matt and I own the rights to several concepts such as fear, space travel, and boating, but they all required hundreds of billions of dollars. Basically, this guy needs to hire us if he wants to go after human concepts. Besides, I am sure there are several humans alive today who have consumed sustenance off of something that could also be considered sustenance.