Want to make millions? Blackmail someone...successfully

Recently one of my servants informed me of a semi-interesting piece of informatics about some comedian named Dave Letterman.


Apparently, someone tried to blackmail him... and FAILED. It is always disappointing when someone fails at making money. Matt and I die a little inside each time. Man, Dave Mailman... or whatever... must have done something really bad. I mean, from what I've been told he is a relatively well known individual. My bet? He probably killed someone.

A CBS producer, Robert "Joe" Halderman, is accused of threatening to go public with embarrassing information about Letterman's private life unless the 62-year-old funnyman ponied up $2 million.

Two million dollars is a good start. You can purchase one cup of starbucks coffee, or you can purchase one half of a closet in Manhattan, you can hire a lawyer for 1 hour... I can't say that I'm impressed by that figure, but you can turn 2 million into more by investing in everything Matt and I have previously suggested.

The "Late Show With David Letterman" host admitted last week on his CBS program that he had sex with unnamed employees and had testified about those liaisons before a New York grand jury as part of an alleged extortion attempt.

What? How is that blackmail worthy? HARDLY WORTH A TRILLIONAIRE'S TIME. Maybe worth a hundred-aire's time. I know I've been out of the country for a while (living it up in my palace made of gold-edition platinum on our floating island in the troposphere) but last time I was in America, IT WAS PERFECTLY OKAY TO PERFORM COITUS WITH OTHER WILLING HUMANS. How can you blackmail someone for doing something so mundane and normal?

Letterman married Lasko in March, and they have a 5-year-old son together. All the affairs took place before the marriage, Letterman's production company has said.

Okay, so he wasn't married. He cheated on his partner/girlfriend/sexualcohort™ which may be morally reprehensible to some, but blackmail worthy? FUCKING NO YOU IDIOT. Me and my trillions are very angry over this issue. This Robert "Joe" Halderman has insulted the entire idea of having money. I had some conversations with several $100 bills the other day, and rest assured, they're very disappointed in the misuse of their brothers. And what is with the "Joe" by the way? You can't just put a random monosyllabic name in quotations between your first and last name and think that that makes you more excellent as an individual.

I suppose there is no sense in losing my cool. Someone lost out by assuming 2 million dollars that belonged to someone else was theirs without following our explicit instructions on how to claim assumed money.

The guy apparently was busted, and went to jail. The End. Story over. Next event. NEXT!

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- The National Organization for Women has sharply criticized comedian David Letterman, accusing him of promoting a hostile, uncomfortable work environment.

What? My servants didn't tell me that Letterman was also accused of setting his office on fire, or ritualistically killing interns in the conference room, or turning the thermostat up 20 degrees too high, or releasing wild tigers in the halls... I wasn't aware that performing coitus was hostile... uncomfortable to some maybe (depending on your situation)... but hostile? INCORRECT

"The latest Letterman controversy sheds new light on the widespread objectification of women in the workplace," NOW said in a statement Tuesday. "Most women can attest to the fact that many workplaces are plagued with inappropriate behavior by men in power."

Jesus Christ. Didn't anyone tell you? You have to be a trillionaire before the U.N. allows you to jump to conclusions or to commit logical phallacies...I mean fallacies. Most women attesting to a "fact" has nothing to do with this specific situation. Just because everyone likes a brand of motorcycle that I created combining a cup of coffee, a tape dispenser, and David Bowie , doesn't mean that that brand of motorcycle is a good brand. That is called the Band Wagon fallacy. Idiot.

NOW said Letterman's behavior was inappropriate in the workplace, saying all employees should be respected for their talent and skills.

Nahh... too easy

"Recent developments in the David Letterman extortion controversy have raised serious issues about the abuse of power leading to an inappropriate, if not hostile, workplace environment for women and employees," NOW said in Tuesday's statement.

No it didn't.

I detest grandstanding unless its about making more money.

Men such as Letterman make decisions on hiring and firing, who gets raises, who advances and who does entry-level tasks, NOW said.

Ah yes. Clearly no one should have that power. People should be left to deciding their own fate at a company. I'm sure that will work very well, everyone knows when it is time for them to be fired.

If only there was someway to make money off of communism.