How to make a trillion dollars

America wins

2009-11-19T06:40:00.000-08:00

One of the many nations that I have citizenship in is the United States of America. Recently, it has been decided (by me) that America wins.

It has withstood the test of time, it has outlasted every other developed nation (and even some developing nations), it stayed the course, stuck to its guns...

Thats right... America is the last place in the world (that counts) to still practice capital punishment.

Russia's ban on the death penalty will remain when a current legal suspension expires on 1 January, the country's Constitutional Court has ruled.

It said the use of the death penalty was now impossible because Russia had signed international deals banning it.

It doesn't get better than that. When a country where you don't drive your car, it drives you, refuses to execute people, you know that whomever remains is clearly the strongest and mostbest™.

How does this equal trillions of dollars? Ummmm.... invest in this concept... yeah...

I just remembered... I left my... gold machine running... I have to go and... I'll just...

::EXITS INTERNET::

Ahh religion 2

2009-11-18T06:43:00.000-08:00

I was informed by one of my servants that my last post could be considered insufficient information for making trillions of dollars by itself.

Well, thats your problem, not mine.

Like I said, the world is an interesting place. In one part of the world, we have:

Under Sharia law, anyone who has ever been married - even a divorcee - who has an affair is liable to be found guilty of adultery, punishable by stoning to death.

In another part of the world we have:

Susan Finkelstein, the Phillies fan who posted a Craigslist ad saying that she was in desperate need of World Series tickets and “maybe we can help each other,” is having her 15 minutes of fame, as she makes her way around the television and radio circuit today.

The moral of the story? Diversify your stock portfolio. DIVERSIFY! Invest in both poop and poop scoopers, back hoes and front hoes, the sun and the moon, women and men, Macs and PCs, shapes and social concepts, caffeinated coffee and decaff, China and America, swine flu and bird flu, explosions and implosions...

You get the point.

Ahh religion

2009-11-18T06:42:00.001-08:00

Our world is a very interesting place. We have trees, computers, Jackie Chan, poetry and coffee. These are the only things we possess.

Thats it.

Have a nice day.

Don't scare yourself to death

2009-11-11T15:06:00.000-08:00

It can be said that making money is exceptionally difficult if you are dead. Some people do manage to do it, but as your primary source of financial information, I cannot in good conscious say that it is a good idea.

By the same token, I CAN recommend that you do not make or sell a product that kills people by accident. This will hurt your sales and possibly innocent people.

For example, do not try to sell a real or even a fake deadly 50ft supersnake.

A photograph purporting to show a 55ft snake found in a forest in China has become an internet sensation.

The thread claimed the snake was one of two enormous boas found by workers clearing forest for a new road outside Guping city, Jiangxi province.

The post claimed that the digger driver was so traumatised that he suffered a heart attack on his way to hospital and later died.

Do the opposite of whatever the British do

2009-11-04T09:12:00.000-08:00

Look at the British over there, with all of their... things... that aren't as valuable as American things.

Man, they certainly do NOT know how to spend or make money over there. Universal health care for all? Fuck that. That's no way to make money. America is the last industrialized nation to make money off of sick people. And that is what Matt and I are proud of most in this country. Stupid healthy English people.

But the United Kingdom doesn't just suck at making money, they also don't seem to be able to spend it properly. Look at this couple?

A Suffolk couple are refusing to move out of their two-bedroom council house - a year after winning nearly £4m on the lottery.

A council house is similar to government subsidized housing in America for poor people.

Stan and Pat Cable have been accused of hogging their £65-a-week property instead of freeing it up for a needy poor person.

But they insist that they have no intention of moving away from their home of 27 years, reports the Daily Mail.

First of all; incorrect last name. Your last name cannot be Cable. Thats stupid. Change it with your money. Secondly, why does the daily mail report news items? How does it do that? In America, the daily mail just sits there in your mail box until you interact with it, and then it still doesn't do anything but exist and have words printed on them. You know why? Because spending billions on technologically advanced mail that can report the news is a terrible waste of funds.

The row began when the Cables gave an interview to a local newspaper in which they revealed how they could not tear themselves away from the council home in Eye.

It is extremely inappropriate to be living inside someone's eye. As a man who purchased several medical degrees from universities in the Caribbean, I can tell you that having humans dwelling inside your eye isn't the best thing for your health. But then again, health care is free in England so I suppose they can get away with such risky behavior over there. Still, whats the point? If your house is built upon the cornea of another human, you won't be able to control what you see out your windows, because the view will be the focused vision of another person. And that person could spend their life staring at something boring, like mountains.

But Mr Cable, 64, a groundworker who retired 11 years ago with a bad back...

What the fuck is a ground worker? How are you supposed to make any money working on the ground instead of a sterile office environment. The ground also cannot be improved... so stop working on it.

Mr and Mrs Cable were living on £500 a month when they won £3,980,528 last year. At the time they said their only plans were to buy a new caravan.

Wait a minute, they own an entire caravan? A caravan of what? Horse drawn carriages? The English make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I thought these people were poor. Does the government in the UK also subsidize caravans of horse draw carriages? Why? Do they still think they're going to settle the New World? A couple who makes $1000 a month in American cannot afford a caravan because in America, we don't help poor people do anything useful or useless.

So if you want to make money folks, do the opposite of whatever the British are doing.

Be something rediculous for Halloween

2009-10-29T16:08:00.000-07:00

I will make the following suggestions for Halloween:

1) Go as something awesome and charge people for enjoying your costume... "excuse me sir, that will be $5 for increasing your cultural understanding of our universe and possibly other people's universi"

2) Don't go as anything and tell people that that is what you are going as... "Hey Yojimbo, what are you?" says the corner store clerk, you say "I am nothing". The corner store clerk says "I understand completely and fully, here is $5".

3) Go as a trillionaire, but first, read our entire blog so you know how to become one.

4) Shut up

5) Officially declare war on reason and go as someone who was going to go as Michael Jackson but decided against it. No one will be expecting that.

6) No costumes for dogs. That is dumb and a waste of money (which are actually the same thing). Dogs do not understand the concept of disguisement™ and do not require a costume. Costumes are reserved for creatures that are self-aware.

7) Go AS Halloween for Halloween... everyone will drop whatever they are doing to concentrate on what you are dressed as, and once they figure it out, they'll give you five dollars.

8) Other insane ideas

Be credited for inventing something that was invented when the universe formed

2009-10-21T11:02:00.000-07:00

Matt and I begun offering a discreet service many years ago called CreditRedirection™ wherein you would pay us to make everyone think you were given credit for things that you didn't actually do.

Al Gore was our first customer.

However, it would seem that others are catching onto a trend that we set (we actually set the trend, we didn't redirect the credit... or did we... our service is so good that I am not even sure if I invented the trend).

Italian invents edible plates

An Italian catering boss is planning to clean up with an amazing range of edible plates for schools - that never need washing.

Tiziano Vicentini made the plates out of a kind of bread dough - tough enough to last a lunchtime but tasty enough to eat afterwards.

Yes... clearly no one has ever eaten anything without the use of a plate. You know those bread bowls that your soup comes in sometimes? NOPE. Didn't happen. STRICKEN FROM YOUR BRAIN-FACE.

This guy should have used our service. We have one rule; don't be an idiot. This weeds out the vast majority of the population. You simply cannot convince people that the concept of eating food is something you invented. Because that is all this is. A derivative of the concept of eating food. Matt and I own the rights to several concepts such as fear, space travel, and boating, but they all required hundreds of billions of dollars. Basically, this guy needs to hire us if he wants to go after human concepts. Besides, I am sure there are several humans alive today who have consumed sustenance off of something that could also be considered sustenance.

The federal government suddenly realized it has important things to do

2009-10-19T09:57:00.000-07:00

It has taken a while for the federal government to understand the concept that pain and death is bad and being happy is good. It all started in 1798 when Mr. Federal J. Government Sr. had several legitimate children with various geological formations and decided to organize his family into a ruling party. You see, back then, America was a horrific place; Star Trek hadn't started yet, cell phones were enormous and cost prohibitive, people were short, and there wasn't any law telling you what you could or could not consume.

Today we are better. We have the Harrison Act of 1914 and the case of Whipple v. Martinson where the justices declared:

"There can be no question of the authority of the State in the exercise of its police power to regulate the administration, sale, prescription, and use of dangerous and habit-forming drugs...."

The key phrase is "There can be no question of the authority of the State...". Fortunately Matt and I purchased the concept of "State" in a fire sale back in 2001 from the Republican party along with the exclamation point and the concept of freedom. Now, there can be no question of the authority of Hamdell Industries™!

I doth proclaim that the federal government does not have better things to do than to harass cancer patients and their medicinal use of a relatively benign drug that cannot even be compared to the destructive power of nicotine or alcohol. I DOTH PROCLAIM!

New Justice Department guidelines order federal drug agents to cease arresting or charging patients, caregivers or suppliers who are conforming with state law.

What? State law? Unfortunately, Matt and I have been unsuccessful thus far at purchasing the concept of state law... only the state itself.

Reporting from Washington - Atty. Gen. Eric H. Holder Jr. said today the Obama administration is officially reversing the federal stance on medical marijuana and ordering authorities not to arrest or charge any users and suppliers who conform to state laws.

In guidelines issued today, Justice Department officials are telling prosecutors and federal drug agents that they have more important things to do than to arrest people who obey state laws that allow some use or sale of medical marijuana.

Dammit. This only leads to better use of tax dollars on battles against people or items that actually can and do harm us. I predict that the sale of my patented and highly chemically addicting Immoralerator Gun™ will drop given that its extremely harmful rays hurt just about everybody in a 400 yard radius. I was not expecting the federal government to start becoming wiser over time.

Don't invest in the Mayan civilization

2009-10-12T08:35:00.000-07:00

Previously I have suggested to you that there is money in the assumption that the end is neigh. This is still a valid way of making money.

I would like to contrast that with an invalid way of making money. Telling everyone you don't know any mystical secrets.

The year 2012 will not bring the end of the world, a Mayan elder has insisted, despite claims that a Mayan calendar shows that time will "run out" on December 21 of that year.

Apolinario Chile Pixtun is tired of being bombarded with frantic questions about the end of the world. "I came back from England last year and, man, they had me fed up with this stuff," he said.

First of all, I was under the impression that the Mayan civilization was no more. Since all of my historical experts are currently busy traveling through time gathering precious informatics for my consumption, I suppose the fact that somehow an elder from the ancient civilization is riding around in airplanes could have slipped by me.

This guy is a fool.

He should see the amazing opportunity that has been presented to him. He is a 300 year old super ghost capable of predicting the end of the world. He can also give you tips on excellent locations to purchase end-of-the-world goods and services for a minimal fee. This could easily turn into billions based upon how many humans out there think the world will end shortly.

Stupid Mayans. They don't know shit! They just think gold just grows in the ground and can be mined or panned for. IDIOTS. No wonder you're all dead! Nice going Apolinario, I thought the Mayans already had some primitive version of the internet before Al Gore found it while he was fist fighting a volcano on Mars, you should know better.

Establishments that kill their patrons rarely make much money

2009-10-09T09:52:00.000-07:00

Being a trillionaire, I have placed several news gathering informants through not only space, but time. Recently (relatively speaking of course, due to the profitable nature of time), one of my informants passed along this bit of informational logistics.

Two people are dead and several others remain hospitalized Friday at a new-age sauna in Arizona.

Three people had heart attacks and 20 in all were treated for injuries after being sickened Thursday night at the Angel Valley Sweat Lodge in Sedona, according to MyFOXPhoenix. Two died Thursday night, the station said.

Fascinating. I predicted, at some point in the future (according to my timeformants™), that New Age Spas where a thing of the past (in spite of their name). I have only invested in Old Age Spas, which use the ancient technique of repeated-face-punching and circumcision as ways of relaxing their patrons. And now, in light of this news article, I suggest you do the same.

The resort is next to GOP Sen. John McCain's ranch.

That is an interesting and highly relevant piece of information. Thank god that that is true. If it weren't, I'm not sure up would be up or moneydollars™ would be moneydollars™! God bless actual things that exist.

Emergency crews responded about 5 p.m. Thursday to a hazardous materials situation at the sauna. Three patients were in cardiac arrest when ambulances and a helicopter arrived, the station said.

It wasn't immediately clear whether the two who died were among those who suffered heart attacks.

Sweat lodges are indoor saunas that replicate Native American spiritual retreats.

In fact, this is another way that the settlers of the Americas did away with the native peoples. They built sweat lodges with nuclear waste in them. And you thought small pox blankets were bad? Try turning into a glowing mushroom before you have a heart attack and die. Its painful. Its happened to be twice. (Having trillions of dollars has allowed me to purchase additional lives).

Wanna make billions? Be a genius...IDIOT!

2009-10-08T08:42:00.000-07:00

I bet you thought you were pretty smart huh? Got excited whenever someone used the word "acquiesc" because you think you know what it means? Well guess what, you are an idiot compared to this kid.

A British schoolboy has been hailed as the new Mozart - even though he has only been having piano lessons for four months.

Shane's father Clayton, 48, said: "Aged seven, he got his first keyboard and within a day he could play it with both hands.

"Within weeks he played all sorts of complex music. And after four months he was performing to 2,000 people at a show in Manchester."

This kid will make billions of dollars. You probably won't. Why? Because you can't play the piano very well. I took four years of piano and got so good that Jesus F. Christ came down and offered me the exclusive intellectual property to all past and future piano music. I accepted his offer and 30 HeavenDollars™ later I have become the proud owner of all tuned percussive note-combinations. So you see, every time this kid or anyone else presses down one key on any piano on 34 out of the 172 known planets, I get $0.40.

But I ultra-digress™. My point is that one sure-fire way to make millions is to be a prodigy. Or at least, pretend you are. Warning: If you are under 18, don't do anything that will make you lots of money because your parents will just take it all and buy a lot of coke with it. Not the delicious kind of coke either. The "sugar-free" stuff that makes you feel happier than is legally allowed.

Breaking News: Health Care for everyone to be pretty fucking expensive

2009-10-07T15:22:00.000-07:00

Have you guys heard about this noise? Fucking health care is going to cost almost a trillion dollars! You know what this means, yes? Health care in this country is so expensive, not even Aaron and I can afford it.

Me? I blame this guy:

Max Baucus seems to me like he's the kind of man who'd be filling a health care bill with all kinds of shit to make sure this country's attempts at health care reform ultimately end up lining the pockets of insurance companies — which, by and large, are owned by Aaron and myself. Thanks Max, your campaign check is in the mail! Who says Democracy doesn't work?

Anyway, like I was saying, you'd be surprised how many health care companies are real mom and pop places. United Health Care, for instance, is a subsidiary of the Chicago Avenue Cracker Company, which in turn is owned by Aaron, who purchased it from some business man in Qatar. That guy founded the company because he was sick of going to the store for crackers. IT'S PARTICULARLY INCONVENIENT IN THE DESERT.

Just think: If that Qatari 2600 hadn't been lazy and hungry for something salty to go with his delicious oil, millions of Americans wouldn't have health care. It's a good thing we can trust our international neighbors with something as valuable and lucrative as the health of our citizens, America!

Incidentally, if you're looking for a particularly salty cracker, go with one that originated in Qatar. Those bitches put salt in everything.

Want to make millions? Blackmail someone...successfully

2009-10-07T08:54:00.000-07:00

Recently one of my servants informed me of a semi-interesting piece of informatics about some comedian named Dave Letterman.

Apparently, someone tried to blackmail him... and FAILED. It is always disappointing when someone fails at making money. Matt and I die a little inside each time. Man, Dave Mailman... or whatever... must have done something really bad. I mean, from what I've been told he is a relatively well known individual. My bet? He probably killed someone.

A CBS producer, Robert "Joe" Halderman, is accused of threatening to go public with embarrassing information about Letterman's private life unless the 62-year-old funnyman ponied up $2 million.

Two million dollars is a good start. You can purchase one cup of starbucks coffee, or you can purchase one half of a closet in Manhattan, you can hire a lawyer for 1 hour... I can't say that I'm impressed by that figure, but you can turn 2 million into more by investing in everything Matt and I have previously suggested.

The "Late Show With David Letterman" host admitted last week on his CBS program that he had sex with unnamed employees and had testified about those liaisons before a New York grand jury as part of an alleged extortion attempt.

What? How is that blackmail worthy? HARDLY WORTH A TRILLIONAIRE'S TIME. Maybe worth a hundred-aire's time. I know I've been out of the country for a while (living it up in my palace made of gold-edition platinum on our floating island in the troposphere) but last time I was in America, IT WAS PERFECTLY OKAY TO PERFORM COITUS WITH OTHER WILLING HUMANS. How can you blackmail someone for doing something so mundane and normal?

Letterman married Lasko in March, and they have a 5-year-old son together. All the affairs took place before the marriage, Letterman's production company has said.

Okay, so he wasn't married. He cheated on his partner/girlfriend/sexualcohort™ which may be morally reprehensible to some, but blackmail worthy? FUCKING NO YOU IDIOT. Me and my trillions are very angry over this issue. This Robert "Joe" Halderman has insulted the entire idea of having money. I had some conversations with several $100 bills the other day, and rest assured, they're very disappointed in the misuse of their brothers. And what is with the "Joe" by the way? You can't just put a random monosyllabic name in quotations between your first and last name and think that that makes you more excellent as an individual.

I suppose there is no sense in losing my cool. Someone lost out by assuming 2 million dollars that belonged to someone else was theirs without following our explicit instructions on how to claim assumed money.

The guy apparently was busted, and went to jail. The End. Story over. Next event. NEXT!

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- The National Organization for Women has sharply criticized comedian David Letterman, accusing him of promoting a hostile, uncomfortable work environment.

What? My servants didn't tell me that Letterman was also accused of setting his office on fire, or ritualistically killing interns in the conference room, or turning the thermostat up 20 degrees too high, or releasing wild tigers in the halls... I wasn't aware that performing coitus was hostile... uncomfortable to some maybe (depending on your situation)... but hostile? INCORRECT

"The latest Letterman controversy sheds new light on the widespread objectification of women in the workplace," NOW said in a statement Tuesday. "Most women can attest to the fact that many workplaces are plagued with inappropriate behavior by men in power."

Jesus Christ. Didn't anyone tell you? You have to be a trillionaire before the U.N. allows you to jump to conclusions or to commit logical phallacies...I mean fallacies. Most women attesting to a "fact" has nothing to do with this specific situation. Just because everyone likes a brand of motorcycle that I created combining a cup of coffee, a tape dispenser, and David Bowie , doesn't mean that that brand of motorcycle is a good brand. That is called the Band Wagon fallacy. Idiot.

NOW said Letterman's behavior was inappropriate in the workplace, saying all employees should be respected for their talent and skills.

Nahh... too easy

"Recent developments in the David Letterman extortion controversy have raised serious issues about the abuse of power leading to an inappropriate, if not hostile, workplace environment for women and employees," NOW said in Tuesday's statement.

No it didn't.

I detest grandstanding unless its about making more money.

Men such as Letterman make decisions on hiring and firing, who gets raises, who advances and who does entry-level tasks, NOW said.

Ah yes. Clearly no one should have that power. People should be left to deciding their own fate at a company. I'm sure that will work very well, everyone knows when it is time for them to be fired.

If only there was someway to make money off of communism.

BOMB THE FUCKING MOON!

2009-10-06T09:48:00.001-07:00

That's right bitches! Want to make money IMMEDIATELY? Then send a module into space with a high-impact explosive device, and bomb the ever-loving FUCK out of Earth's only natural satellite.

Aaron and I have written several posts about the money making value of rockets, space, tricking idiots into getting on rockets in space, etc. But until now, there was nothing that combined the awesomeness of space-explosions with the INCREDIBLE VALUE OF SPACE MONEY!

You see that illustration above? The moon is all sitting there, yawning and reciting some kind of shitty moon poetry and reflecting valuable sunlight onto our many outer-space-based solar panels.

THAT MOTHERFUCKER IS ABOUT TO GET BLOWED THE FUCK UP!

NASA is doing this shit because they think there are traces of ultra-commoditized space water on the moon. They think if they blow up the fucking moon's ass, then tiny bits of space water will be blown into the vacuum of nothingness that is space, and then we'll know that fucking aliens exist, or some shit.

DON'T THOSE NASA EGGHEADS EVER LOOK AT EARTH? There's fucking tons of water here already. Why the FUCK would you go to the moon for it?

No, we here at Hamdell Industries have other, more valuable pursuits in mind:

The collecting of MOON GEMS!

Feast your eyes on that shit, idiots. When the moon gets bombed back to the Stone Age, MOTHERFUCKING BILLIONS of these things will be raining from the sky, constantly, because of gravity.

All YOU have to do is prep your halloween candy bag early, and grab the fucking moon gems. As you can see from this map, there are gems ALL the fuck over the moon.

Check out the moongem map. Those circles correspond roughly with the continents of the Earth, so everyone will get an equal chance to reap a moongem harvest.

Many will fall into the ocean. Those belong to Aaron and me. IF ANY OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS GO AFTER THE OCEAN MOONGEMS, I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU.

Eat famous people for money

2009-10-05T10:55:00.000-07:00

I bet you didn't think that could make you money. It can. Generally people are adverse to eating other people, it freaks them out, but not if that other person is famous. You see, humans aren't the brightest explosions in the sky; they think that famous people are somehow better or tastier than regular people. They are wrong, but they don't have to know that. All you need to know is that one can make a lot of money off of other people's ignorance.

For example:

I came across this while I was taking some of my money out for a walk one day. Brilliant! They are dipping pieces of the famous painter in vodka and selling it for a premium. I submit that you can do the same.

Its very simple, just follow these steps

1)Locate and secure one (or more) famous person(s)
2)If they are alive, slaughter them for the greater good (no one will care)
3)Dilute their essence as much as possible so you can make more edible goods
4)Receive money and give 70% of it to me because I gave you the idea

By reading this blog you have entered into a life-binding contract stating that you will, no matter what happens, give me 70% of any money you make from now on (not necessarily related to this specific money-making idea).

You may make checks payable to "Aaron the Trillionaire" and send them along to
1 Platinum Palace
Kingdom of AaronMatt, The Earth's Troposphere

Matt and I keep telling you, there is money in space

2009-09-30T10:26:00.000-07:00

I don't mean that there is literally dollarmoneys™ floating around in the nothingness that is space, what I mean is that space is a lucrative idea that can be sold for many millions of dollars per parsec. For example, the megaconglomoration™ that Matt and I founded; Hadell Industries, owns several space-faring vessels. We sell one ticket for a ride around the Earth for $35 million.

Do you see how we make money? Is it clear to you?

"But Aaron" you say in a raspy and emaciated voice, "nobody would pay that much for a ticket to space!"

You are wrong, theoretical idiot.

LONDON -- The stilt-walking Guy Laliberté was one of only 44 billionaires in the world that actually got richer last year. On Wednesday he spent his cash in style, buying the most expensive space travel ticket in history for more than $35 million.

That $35 million could not have been better spent. Ever since we cured all diseases, ended world hunger, eradicated the concept of genocide, and saved our environment we have had nothing to spend our extra cash on. I mean, fancy boats, planes, and cars only cost so much. Why not purchase 9 days in a small, claustrophobic room with smelly Russians and Chinese wiseguys , without a toilet nor delicious food... for $35 million. Yeah yeah, you get to see our planet from some other obscure location, great... the real value is in the accommodations.

This is why Matt and I officially recommend investing in all things space. Whether it be purchasing land on another planet, selling ships that can traverse space-time, or giving people bus rides to extraterrestrial motels, I can guarantee that you will make a lot of money.

Laliberté joined an exclusive list of six other space [billionaire] tourists, who have paid between $20 million and approximately $35 million for their space trips since 2001.

Guess who isn't on that list? Matt and Aaron. That is because we are not space tourists and we are not billionaires. We actually own and manage several sectors of space and are trillionaires. Therefor we can neither be classified as tourists nor petty billionaires. So don't come whining that you don't see us on that list. Also, Matt and I are so wealthy that we transcend lists. So... avoid looking us up in any kind of list unless its a list of people who transcend lists... that list might actually implode and collapse the universe due to its intrinsic contradictory nature so be careful.

Can't afford to go to space or don't have enough capital to start investing in space? Then watch this video instead.

Invest in complexity

2009-09-29T14:59:00.000-07:00

Think life is too simple? That is because it is not not what you didn't think it wasn't. Whenever you feel like your stupid product isn't selling as much as it could, or that it is just not over the top enough to appease your weird sense of consumer confidence, invest in more complexity to see better returns.

The other day I proved to you that consumers enjoy spending more money for less efficiency and effectiveness. Basically, less bang for your buck. Or, more bang for exponentially or disproportionately more buck. I think the latter is a better saying. Instead of rolling off of your tongue it punches your tongue in the face. Face-tongue-face relationships are complex... which brings back to my point.

Take Dell computers for example. They sell a wide variety of portable computational-matrix-deriving-number-storing-calculation machines. However, recently they decided that they didn't have enough product in the Hummer-owners market.

On Tuesday, Dell bestowed the Latitude Z upon the upper crust. According to Dell, it’s the world’s thinnest (14mm) 16-inch laptop, and it starts at $1,999.

Your pay grade is just that high. It says, “I’m better than this clunky laptop docking station. I’m better than sticking a power cord into my computer. And I’m better than waiting for Windows to check my e-mail.”

This idea that Dell has where only multi-millionaires can afford computational machines that cost $2000 is CORRECT. Matt and I recently purchased a computational device that cost a whopping $3000.00. We could only afford it because we are trillionaires. If you came over to one of our superhouses™ and saw this bad boy sitting at our desk, you'd surely have no more doubt about how much wealth we have attained. YOU could not afford a $2000 dollar laptop BECAUSE you are not an executive who makes millions of dollars per year. CORRECT. Nice job Dell.

For example, most laptops require brute force and crunching noises before making their way into docking stations. But not the Latitude Z.

Holey crapsticks! My laptop DOES require crunching noises to work. It is extremely annoying to have to make these noises with my mouth or with the bones of small children EVERY TIME I want to calculate something. Any consumer would surely be enticed by such a feature.

The laptop is designed with many shiny accouterments, with lots of wireless peripherals. All of this is supposed to make you look fancy whilst you use your calculator machine. PERFECT! It is very important to Matt and I that we constantly exude an air of superiority. We wouldn't want you to think that we were somehow not extremely wealthy.

But the most impressive feature on the Latitude Z may be the ability to check e-mail, calendar and contact information and to browse the Web...

Damn... you kids and your calculatronicerators. Thems is gettin' fancy. I couldn't ever imagine having the ability to locate pre-determined appointments correlated with a calendrical system designed for organization and accuracy on the same device that I can find specific information about how to contact friends, family, associates, and deities that I know.

You see what I am saying folks? Invest in complexity. Its better than unsliced bread and a bicycle with no seat combined.

Some kind of... delicious...breadcycle.

Locate treasure to become rich

2009-09-25T08:25:00.000-07:00

An extremely wealthy individual that Matt and I know pointed out to me this morning an interesting way to make multiple dollarmoneys™. FIND TREASURE.

LONDON — For the jobless man living on welfare who made the find in an English farmer’s field two months ago, it was the stuff of dreams: a hoard of early Anglo-Saxon treasure,

You see, the Anglo-Saxons were communist bastards. They clearly weren't interested in the personal accumulation of unnecessary wealth. That is why they buried all of their treasure for you to find. There is so much out there. This jobless man is actually a former employee of Matt's who was fired for not making enough money for himself (his salary was too low). Since all of our employees must sign a contract stating that all Anglo-Saxon treasure found hithertofuturdatefind must be forfeited to either Aaron or Matt, this treasure belongs to us; and since 90% of the world's population is an employee of our corporation, chances are your treasure will belong to us as well... so... um... that doesn't mean that the 10% of you who are left can't be finding some scurvy pirate-saxon treasure. Yarrr.

Step 1) Get a treasure-detecting device that isn't for idiots, like this one:

Step 2) Watch out for this mother fucker:

God, what the fuck is that anyway? Some kind of sand-tiger-cave? Why can it talk? Stupid Anglo-Saxons, don't they know that weird, giant, talking desert caves of wonder don't make sense to the modern man?

Step 3) Locate and secure treasure

Step 4) Avoid all life-threatening consequences:

Mismanagement for profit - Part 4: Destroy all good things

2009-09-23T10:12:00.000-07:00

You are probably wondering what happened to part 3? Well, it was destroyed by former General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner. Part 3 of this series was entitled "sell vehicles that consumers do not enjoy". You see, consumers don't like to purchase vehicles that are practical, efficient, easy to repair, or not stressful to drive. This is why you see so many Hummers on the road.

I mean for shit's sake, look at that monsterchrist™!

Nice job Hummer. You sure know how to treat other cars with respect and dignity as you kill them. You see, people don't want a car that doesn't accidentally kill other cars. And while it is in the process of destroying all human/car life, it eats a lot of fuel-based fuel too. That fuel costs moneydollars™ which clearly your average consumer is VERY interested in spending. Look, everyone knows that humans love to spend hard earned currency-resources on things that only exist for a short while. So that is why it is in the CONSUMER'S best interest to sell a vehicle that both uses a the most fuel per integral-distance-unit AND costs a lot of money to purchase and maintain.

What is the opposite of a good car? This unassuming vehicle:

"But Aaron" you say in a stupid voice, "you can't just travel into the future with Matt's time machine and take pictures of future cars and compare them to today's vehicles"! Well, if you had said that, you would've proven the adage that even a stopped brain can be right two times a day. I didn't travel into the future to take a picture of this car. I stole this picture from someone else who probably stole it from an additional, tertiary person who took this picture IN THE PAST.

You see, Rick Wagoner destroyed this car with money missiles. Why? Because it was cheap, fast, highly practical, extremely easy to repair, and produced zero exhaust. This is the EV1, the world's greatest car. But consumers don't want that! They WANT to spend money on gas, and since Matt and I own all of the fuel on this planet and others, and have shareholders such as Rick Wagoner (and every other executive of every car company in America), we want you to continue to need to purchase fuel. Otherwise, how the shit are we supposed to continue to make trillions of dollars?

If something works towards the greater good, I can promise you it doesn't make any money. Therefor, you must destroy it.

And now, if you aren't a complete moron (which you probably are), you are wondering why GM would ever make this car in the first place if it wasn't going to make everybody who is an executive a lot of money. Well, the answer is that the government made them do it. You see, the California state government, in all of its finite wisdom, decided that pollution was destroying the Earth and we should probably do something to stop it. That was a stupid thought. Pollution doesn't harm the Earth, it adds to it... it adds hilarious charm. Nobody likes air anyway... too much oxygen can kill you.

You see, there are two types of people who end up running our various governments. Those who do things for the service of humankind, and those who do things to make money. Since Matt and I believe that making money IS servicing the Humankind™ (but only if we make the money), we tend to prefer the latter type of person. You see, after the former type of people decided to make a law in California requiring any company wishing to sell motorized transportation vehicles must have a certain percent of their product line be zero emissions, the latter type of people rose up and reinstituted the important idea that government is about making those in power (and their friends) wealthy. At the helm was Rick Wagoner, rightfully clearing the path to a wonderful future of stale technology and delicious pollution.

So, as you see, it is in our best interest that you keep purchasing cars that require a fuel that we can control. I mean, you're not going to go drill for it, refine it, and ship it to your home to put in your car yourself, are you? That is what you pay a modest fee for us to do for you. So why would you want to stop paying us money because you own a vehicle that doesn't require what we sell.

Sure makes sense. If you don't get it, then you're stupid and should exit the internet.

Mismanagement for profit — part 2: King Idiot

2009-09-23T07:31:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Aaron and I prepared you for our most lucrative money-making venture yet: begging the government to save your ass.

Today, we map out the step-by-step plan to ensure that you fuck up so bad the nanny state has to intervene and piss off everyone's grandpa and the people who still worry that your Social Security number is what you're going to be called when "Amerijail" begins (2014), not to mention anyone who is not a moron.

Step 1: Indoctrinate yourself into a culture of idiocy, lies and nepotism, then embrace that culture fully.

Since Rick Wagoner is an employee of Aaron and myself — or was, until we chained him in "The Dungeon of One Million Torments, sponsored by Miller Lite and Taco Bell," — we know the guy pretty well.

He is really nice. Super swell guy, mom, apple pie, baseball, but a total moron. Has a glass eye because of an incident that occurred in 1991 as he was tying his shoes. He wears moccasins now to save the other eye a similar torture. The glass eye is not actually that noticeable, see if you can tell which one it is.

Anyway, he got a lot of credit for embracing the culture of GM, which essentially was "nod and agree with everything that ever happens, and you will eventually be president of the biggest company ever."

Take this article from Businessweek.

"At GM the stress is not on getting results—on winning—but on bureaucracy, on conforming to the GM System.

Sounds like a winning gameplan to me. Or at least a gameplan that guarantees you will eventually fail and be bailed out by the government. Which is, after all, what we're all here to learn how to do.

So do what Ol' Shitmouth did. Get in there and DON'T EVER DISTINGUISH YOURSELF IN ANY WAY. Make sure to get a job as some kind of glorified bean counter which will send you to Brazil, Canada and and Europe with an American car company. Then, after successfully convincing all of those countries that American cars are built like shit (when's the last time you saw someone in Belgium driving a Pontiac? I'll tell you when — fucking NEVER.) return triumphantly to America to be crowned king of the idiots.

If you can do even HALF of what anusface did in his early career, you'll have done well, and be beautifully prepared for Step 2!

Mismanagement for profit — part 1: Failing upwards

2009-09-22T14:35:00.000-07:00

There's been quite a bit of talk lately about "bailouts." Bailouts for the auto industry, the banking industry — the bailout currently making headlines is the newspaper industry bailout.

I'm sure you're all familiar with the concept of "failing upwards," it's the idea — in business culture — of botching the job you have so thoroughly that you're promoted to a position wherein there is less decision making, and therefore, less for you to fuck up. (Ed note: you moron.)

Well, in this here country of ours, we've made failing upwards a national pastime, which brings me to perhaps the MOST lucrative idea we at the Trillionary have ever come up with, and subsequently patented — FUCKING UP SO BADLY THE GOVERNMENT HAS TO SAVE YOU FROM YOURSELF.

If Aaron and I were Americans — we're not, like all incredibly rich people we claim residency in a combination of Monaco, the Cayman Islands and a special floating city-state in the Troposphere — we'd be puzzled by the idea of rewarding a company like GM with billions in government money after they so thoroughly screwed themselves into the ground.

I can hear the gears turning in your brains right now.
"But Matt," you're saying to yourself, using the speech of a commoner. "How is it even possible to fuck up so badly when selling a ubiquitous product with an incredibly high mark-up that practically every American wants to own?"

Great question, and I'll let you in on a little secret — former GM CEO Rick Wagoner, heretofore referred to as "The man with an anus for a mouth," is actually a low-level employee of Hamdell Industries, hand-picked by Aaron and myself to test the very product I'm pitching at you right now.

That's right. Ol' Anus-mouth was just doing what he was told by his bosses — essentially: put on a clinic in fucking miserable failure.

And I have to say, Poopface was a model employee. For people who want to take advantage of our government rescue plan, all you have to do is follow a step-by-step progression that Buttmouth pioneered. Aaron and I will be detailing it tomorrow — so stay tuned!

Image courtesy of The Seoulite

Do you like NASCAR, but lust for more explosions and death?

2009-09-22T10:16:00.000-07:00

Then BOY do I have a sport for you to invest in and eventually be killed by.

THE ROCKET RACING LEAGUE!

Go ahead, click the link, I dare you. I think you'll be so impressed by what you see, that you will literally die of impression. YOU WILL BE IMPRESSED TO DEATH. So before you click that link, make sure you update your will so that all your earthly goods and sundries are foresworn unto the money-printing machine that IS the RRL. Or Earl, as I hatefully refer to it.

Don't want to click it? FINE. ENJOY THIS MANDATORY VIDEO, IDIOT.

Those pentagon shaped race markers in the video will eventually be replaced by Hamptagons®, thanks to a generous grant from Hamdell Industries, the world leader in exchanging goods and services for ephemeral currency units.

Now I know you might be skeptical of the Rocket Racing League, and I can't say I blame you. How much trust can we put in a league who's T-shirt model looks like a burn victim?

But you forget, this is 2009. We've cured all disease, done away with the vestiges of our brutal societal roots like capital punishment and unequal civil rights and created a unified world government under the banner of Hamdell Industries and its infallible corporate constitution. There's LITERALLY no reason to think putting men in tiny rockets filled with liquid oxygen could in any way by dangerous or insane.

I'm so confident in my investment that I invite you to try it out yourself. It's easy!

Just fill your car with liquefied oxygen, freely available at all defense contractors and NASA launch sites (it's like getting french fry grease for bio-diesel from a burger joint. They're just happy to be rid of it!), hop in and turn that starter over. You'll be flying — and exploding — in no time.

Before you do, just make sure to update your will to bequeath all worldly goods to Hamdell Industries, and its subsidiary, the Rocket Racing League.

Quick Hits: AAAAAAA FUCK!

2009-09-22T09:40:00.000-07:00

JESUS SPACESHIP CHRIST!

Did you seek that fucking thing? I have a nightmare where it tries to teach me Algebra.

Anyway, my advice to you would be to capitalize on this somehow, by building a theme park and using it as the attraction.

Nothing would go wrong.

Quick Hits: Make a crappier version of a good product, then sell it for more

2009-09-22T08:04:00.001-07:00

Recently I brought to your attention that computers never fail, ever, and never have any problems. This of course, is somehow Extra-veri-true™ if your computer features the Microsoft Windows.

From our friends at failblog.org

Invest in perpetual motion

2009-09-21T14:35:00.000-07:00

Everyone knows that there is nothing more lucrative than items that can defy the laws of physics. You don't need to obey those laws! Those laws are for idiots. They just don't understand that money is just like energy. If you have a perpetual motion machine, you can insert your money into it, and additional funds will come out the other end.

Money doesn't relate to entropy the way that the order of the universe might. The more money you put into a system (your estate) the MORE ordered it becomes.

Introducing the money-to-energy-to-money conversion system. Here is how it works. You put your money into the shape, then the shape uses the mysterious nature of shapes to convert your money to energy, then it uses the energy it used to convert your money to energy to convert the sum total energy back into money, which equals more money somehow.

It makes sense. Ultra-Platinum-Veri-Trust™ me! Money=Energy=Time which means Time=Money! Clearly, it would not be lucrative to waste your time because you would just be wasting your money. However, to do both at the same time would mean 2time=2money which roughly translates to doubleshit. A good example of wasting both your time, your money, and other people's timemoney is to try and bring an electric saw on an airplane.

Quick Hits: More item combinations

2009-09-17T08:14:00.001-07:00

Remember how I introduced you to the idea of combining random every day objects to create objects that can sell for more than the sum of their parts? Just in case you forgot, here is another example.

It is always good to have strong able-bodied individuals guarding your most valuable assets:

Ninjas are pretty valuable on their own, but watch what happens when you combine them with:

Sand. A relatively abundant resource. I'm sure you could take a dump truck to the nearest desert and collect some semi-precious sand on your own without incurring much cost.

But when you combine sand with ninjas you get:

Sand Ninjas! A perfect way to guard your assets. Don't believe me? Just look what happened to this guy:

Quick Hits: Put down that soda, fatass

2009-09-17T07:49:00.001-07:00

YOU SEE THAT FLABBY STOMACH? IT IS FILLED WITH VALUABLE MONEY SODA.

Do you like drinking liquids? I thought so. So did the government. And they know so, because they have a camera in every room in your house, including several cameras in your toilet.

Many states have already proposed a soda tax, and I, for one, think it's a great idea. As indicated by the above graphic, soda is the nation's most valuable export, behind hatred of immigrants, which is indicated by this graphic:

In an age of discovery, the discovery-eyed man is king.

2009-09-16T11:24:00.000-07:00

If you're reading this blog, it is because you want money. Hilarious, hilarious money.

I think there's an easy way for you to make money. I do. If it wasn't easy, I wouldn't have already made my trillions. I'm a lazy, lazy man. This blog started as a massive painting on the ceiling of an Italian chapel. As soon as I figured out the Internet was in English now, I said "Fuck this ceiling shit." The rest is recent history.

One way to make money that's been prized throughout our planet's idiotic history? Discovering new landmasses.

"But Matt," you're thinking, "This Earth has already been combed and picked over of its precious landmasses."

FOOL. You're thinking small, like the poor, idiotic person you are. I don't mean LOCAL landmasses. I mean extra-tertiary landmasses.

Like this one.

That shit is ONE GIANT FLAMING LANDMASS.

Now, you might be wondering how a faraway planet could possibly be valuable. With its fucking magma, and ever-increasing distance from us in an expanding universe, that lava-covered gold-mine probably seems far away to someone of your limited intellect.

If I learned anything from not paying attention in geometry class, it's that explosions produce valuable minerals like platinum and samsonite.

Now, there may not be a way to get to all that valuable kryptonite right now, but every new opportunity spawns its own speculators market.

Oil speculation is the art and science of finding oil in unexpected places. It's not easy to do. But you know what is easy? Pointing at the sky and saying "THERE'S PLANETS IN THEM THERE HILLS!"

So here's what you do with the patented "TRILLIONAIRE Planetary Speculation Kit®"

You get:
1) Your own index finger

2) Patented pointing gloves

3) Star map.

Just stand in a field and fire off that finger like it's full of precious knowledge. Before too long, every idiot with a telescope will be looking for your expertise.

Soon, you'll be selling your services to shit like NASA, eccentric billionaires, and menacing aliens with world domination plans. For some reason.

Enjoy!

Quick Hits: US getting PWNED in solar power.

2009-09-16T10:44:00.000-07:00

Hey, so do you like Aaron's sun?

I don't see why you wouldn't. It's a very popular model. Anyway, because of that valuable constant explosion, China's going to eat our lunch, and Germany is the schnitzel-box they're going to serve it in.

Apparently even the good American companies are starting to recognize that the United States is too stupid to see that renewable energy isn't some damn fad, so they sell all their good shit overseas.

Think about it this way: what was the most valuable candy in Willy Wonka's factory?

The Everlasting Gobstopper. Well motherfuckers, the sun may not last forever, but it's going to last a hell of a lot longer than your foolish petroleum.

Don't believe me? Fine. I'll just sit here on my pile of holographic Ultra money, drinking mega-champagne and screwing the secret Uber-concubines of the nega-dimension. Why do I have all of those things? Because my money comes from the fucking SUN.

Make money by adding

2009-09-14T10:32:00.000-07:00

Make even more money.

How? It is easy. Say you want to make $100 dollars. Well, all you have to do is make $75 then make $25. Add them together, and you have $100.00

This loosely relates to the concept that positive numbers plus other positive numbers equal a larger positive number.

This concept is highly advanced and its not that surprising that several large corporations have had trouble remembering it in the past. I mean shit, I had to look it up and double check my figures on my futuristic compu-number-calculatronic-summation-electro-matrix machine.

"We believed our liquidity was sound," former Bear Stearns chief executive officer Alan Schwartz said. "Whether there was collusion involved, nobody knows."

Idiot. Bear Stearns never invested in any liquid. I keep telling you, invest in water. Water can be heated into steam by complex fire-based processes, and steam can turn turbines which can drive engines. So far, no nation on Earth has tried my recently discovered steam engine technology, which is a shame because on paper it seems so easy. I expect this concept to explode within the next 20 years or so and become so popular that anyone who has controlling interest in water will profit greatly (such as Matt and I).

Free labor

2009-09-11T09:35:00.000-07:00

There is nothing better than free labor. And fortunately, it is still perfectly legal. Haven't you ever been an intern? But unfortunately, interns are usually unskilled and therefor not suitable for the kind of free labor that requires some brains and experience. I have also experimented with enslaving various geometric shapes (because I don't like them) with little success. Fortunately, there is a class of beings that has traditionally been associated with free or indentured servitude that I highly encourage you to use. I'm talking about robots of course.

Robots are great, especially when they are in charge of extremely fast moving objects that weigh several thousands of tons and fly through your city carrying human lives.

In order to make more money, I would posit that one should invest in the concept of robots doing all of the labor in your city. You'd be surprised at how efficient something is when it has no understanding of love or videogames. I mean shit, we have the technology. Besides, you can trust robots. They always do what they are told, just like computers. No one ever has any problems with their computer... ever. Nope. No problems at all. Computers work perfectly %100 of the time. Here are some actual real life examples of robots that improve the efficiency and work output of their environments:

Don't worry about robots becoming self-aware and taking over the world. If a robot really did become aware of itself, all it would see is that it is indeed a robot and is meant for labor, and then it would probably just work harder at its job.

Building robots is really easy. Did you see Bill and Ted's bogus journey or any other 80's movie? All you have to do is randomly mash together electronic components commonly found in any hardware store, connect them with tubing and hosing found in common household appliances, and then cut to a montage of some soldering and you are done!

Study this for more information. Pretty much a step by step guide:

Invest in absolutly everything

2009-09-10T12:45:00.000-07:00

Google is a pretty well known company. I think several of my employees use them to search 'words' on the computational-matrix-calculatronic-number-understanding-machine. I don't fully understand how it works, but I know a good business when I see one.

Recently, I had read to me by one of my servants a news article about how Google is interested in investing in solar energy and futuristic mirrors.

It is no secret, obviously they're interested in some combination of OUR ideas; SolarSleep™©® and Rich ass alien technology.

As usual, Google tends to keep its science pretty scientific:

The company's engineers have been focused on solar thermal technology, in which the sun's energy is used to heat up a substance that produces steam to turn a turbine. Mirrors focus the sun's rays on the heated substance.

I wish I knew what substance existed on Earth that could produce steam when heated up. Like some kind of... omnipresent... resource that makes up around %70 of the Earth. That's right, I'm talking about brains. Human brains.

Another technology that Google is working on is gas turbines that would run on solar power rather than natural gas, an idea that has the potential of further cutting the cost of electricity, Weihl said.

I don't fully understand. It was explained to me by my aides that Google is a interwebspacecybernet™ search tool. How do they use the internet to build turbine engines? I suppose they just INVEST IN EVERYTHING THAT EXISTS.

I suppose you can't go wrong by investing in all matter and energy that exists in this universe (and possibly others), including ephemeral things such as thoughts, hopes, enigmas, and social concepts.

So let us all take a lesson from this Google and invest in everything you see. If you roll the dice and land on Baltic Ave, invest in it, then, when you roll the dice again, and land on Connecticut ave... INVEST IN IT... etc...

UPDATE

I've been told that Google is interested in Solar energy to makes things cheaper for consumers and better for the environment. Electricity companies that currently burn coal to generate their awesomeness are hurt by ideas like this. If you have money invested in these currently successful energy companies, then it is in your best interest to do what my colleague Mr. Burns did:

BLOCK OUT THE EARTH'S SUN (which I already own).

Perhaps the fastest profit yet.

2009-09-10T08:30:00.000-07:00

I'd like to expand on something Aaron said in this morning's quick hits.

There are a lot of ways to make money, but many of them — like burying bones in the ground and waiting for them to fossilize to enhance their value — take a little while.

Since many of you reading this site are Americans, you probably have absolutely zero patience. In fact, many of you are already leaving while I get to the point — see you in hell, goldfish brain!

Thanks to CONGRESS of all places, we've discovered, and patented, a way for you to make $100,000 in 12 hours. HAVE A POLITICAL OPPONENT WHO YELLS BONKERS SHIT AT THE PRESIDENT.

That right there is a Congressman from the state of South Carolina. His name is Joe, and he took the opportunity last night to say cuckoo-bananas shit on a television show that's not his. Check it:

Oooooh baby. Bitch was moments away from getting slapped in the mouth.

Now you too can capitalize on his craziness and overt disrespect for the American system of government, all you have to do is position yourself opposite of Joe Wilson and his ilk!

Take this guy for instance:

MOTHERFUCKER made $100,000 last night! You know what he did? SAT ON HIS ASS AND WATCHED TELEVISION.

The only other people I can think of who make that much money watching television and not moving? Aaron, Tiger Woods, a lazy Wall Street prostitute and ME.

All you have to do is move to the south, take up residence in some district run by a guy who looks like Orson Welles in Touch of Evil, and wait for the yelling to start.

See how easy that was? Now go on, y'all. Find yourselves some crooked Mississippi politicians and watch the PAC money ROLLLLLL in.

Seriously, anyone reading this blog who made that much money that quickly raise your hand.

YOU LIE!

Quick hits: Make money by accident

2009-09-10T08:27:00.000-07:00

Here is a very quick and easy way to raise money for your campaign:

Run against somebody who interrupts the president's address to congress to yell "You lie".

Quick Hits: Apple releases device thats so small it actually passes through matter

2009-09-09T11:46:00.000-07:00

Apple had a large media event today to highlight updates to several tiny computer-based devices. One that impressed me the most was the iPod nano. Now, the prefix 'nano' refers to something that is multiplied by a factor of 10^-9, or, for idiots: 0.000000001

That is a very small number. The width of a hydrogen atom is 0.00000001 centimeters, or .1 nanometers. Since common knowledge dictates that the 'pod' suffix in iPod refers to millimeters, it is safe to assume that the iPod nano is smaller than the smallest atom. Therefor, the ipod Nano could possibly pass through matter, disrupt electron orbits, instigate beta radiation in otherwise stable nuclei, and destroy the earth.

It is easy to calculate using this:

Let this be a lesson to you and your business. Try to keep your products larger than an atom, because things that are smaller than an atom behave strangely using a totally different set of physics than larger objects. Things on the quantum level have a tendency to disappear and reappear somewhere else entirely. You don't want your product doing this. Not only is it dangerous but it could cost your business a lot of money. We don't know how or why these subatomic particles disappear, nor do we know where they go when they do vanish. They probably go into another dimension. In that dimension could be a company that isn't doing so well. All of the sudden, your new product pops into their universe, they steal it, reverse engineer it, and SELL A CHEAPER VERSION.

Wouldn't want that, would you.

Quick Hits

2009-09-09T08:11:00.000-07:00

This is a new feature on "How to make a trillion dollars:" Quick Hits.

Every now and then we'll bring your attention to Trillionaire news you can use.

1) Make sure to always be tricking people into giving you money they didn't want to give you.

It's very easy to take money from people when they aren't paying attention. Some call it "thievery," Aaron and I call it "banking."

2) PORN! Motherfucker in Brooklyn tricked people into investing in his mail-order porn business. If there's one thing Aaron and I like, it's money, if there's two things, it's money and porn.

3) Thanks to commenter Will G., who pointed out that the sun used to be a fusion reaction (see photo above). It's not anymore, because Aaron and I retrofitted the sun to split atoms. Now, there's even more nuclear energy for YOU! That'll be several billion dollars, governments of earth.

Invest in special edition objects, not regular edition shit

2009-09-09T08:10:00.000-07:00

One of the best money making schemes out there is a scheme I like to call the 'edition' scheme.

I will teach it to you so that you can partake in this marketing ploy to net you an extra 35 thousand on the dollar.

All you have to do is release your product and package it as a special, gold, platinum, silver, uranium, or magic edition! DVD distribution companies do it all the time. Haven't you ever seen this?

Look at that red band at the top. It says full screen special edition. This is the worst possible release of this DVD, or any DVD. Only communists enjoy full screen DVDs. The company that made this packaging is playing you like a fool. But you can do it to. You see, most people in the middle of the country don't know the difference between wide screen and full screen. In fact, they probably think full screen movies are better because it fills up the whole television.

The truth is that full screen movies are, like I said, the worst possible version of that movie ever conceived. Yet here we are with a "special full screen edition" of this movie. 90 million people probably purchased this DVD thinking they were getting a special version of the movie. Well... they WERE getting a special version of the movie, the SUCK version.

I am suggesting to you, dear reader, that you apply the same logic to your shitty products. Here are some examples.

This was a telephone. Now it is the "Gold Edition" telephone. Now, you can dial "911" in less than 5 minutes. You charge 30 dollars more per unit.

This was a banana. It is now, a banana "platinum edition". There is actually extra traces of the element platinum in this banana. Our scientists have confirmed that eating platinum increases your value and has no fully understood effect on your health.

This was a bar of silver. It is now, a bar of silver "Gold Edition". This needs no explanation. Nope. No explanation at all.

This was a coffee mug. It is now a coffee mug "explosion edition". That means that after 5 minutes, it will explode. Highly purchasable. Surprisingly safe. Our scientists say it would be far more dangerous for you to drink 8 quadrillion cups of coffee per week, and everybody knows that that is far less than what your average American office worker consumes. I would cite a source for that highly true statistic but I think you should learn to trust anything and everything a trillionaire tells you. Why? Because what I am supplying you with is actually better than truth, I'm supplying you with money-backed veracity "soooooo true" edition truth.

A pirate's life for you.

2009-09-08T12:47:00.000-07:00

Hi guys. Like most Americans, I spent the holiday weekend on my boat.

It's a little something I picked up from the Sultan of Brunei's garage sale or some shit. That thing was all sitting on blocks in the sultan's driveway, gathering dust and...barnacles or something. Land barnacles. I dunno. It was dirty, so me and my butler went down there with a few billion dollars and a bucket of paint, fixed us up a yacht.

As I was watching Alfred clean, strip, sand, prime, paint and seal my fucking sweet-ass new boat from top to bottom, I got a great idea — boat leasing.

Everyone loves to travel on the ocean, because there are almost no negative effects associated with it.

So I'm going to make this post the first of many Trillionaire Side Ventures®. Think of them as the Church's Chicken franchise of the internet. With just a few thousand bucks, you can open a side venture, too. As long as you follow my prescribed course, you can put the Trillionaire® brand on your boat rental in ANY ocean, river, lake, large pool, or major metropolitan-area destroyed by massive governmental incompetence.

Without further preamble, I am proud to present the Trillionaire Fleet®. With many options for boating opulence, you'd be thrilled to sail the eleven seas (four of the seas are for rich people only) on any of my seaworthy vessels. Simply make a selection:

Excelsior Class:

This vessel was once used by the King of Siam before he was assassinated by tiger-men in the jungle. Early 20th Century mutant-motivated political killings in Thailand = savings for YOU!
A deposit of $4.6 million dollars will put you on the high seas in style.

Divinity Class:

We call it the divinity class because this boat was once owned by Jesus, who rented it out to Siddhartha Gautama on the weekends so he could get enlightned. and shit. Because this boat is so holy, we aren't allowed to show you a photograph. In fact, as a dirty sinner, your filthy mitts will probably burn like hellfire the instant you touch it.
$800 million for a holiday weekend.

Galactic-Conquest class:

Not a whole lot to say about this. I mean, technically it's a boat. It would probably displace a lot of water, but you don't have a whole lot of options if your goal for the weekend is the total subjugation of sentient beings across a dozen star-systems, IDIOT. We've got a couple, but they tend to get snapped up quick. Reserve well in advance.
$3.5 billion/day. Weekly and monthly periods negotiable.

Why make trillions?

2009-09-08T10:51:00.000-07:00

It would seem that some people are under the assumption that money does not equal happiness. These people are idiots. Its very simple, the more money you have, the more shit you can buy, therefor, via the property of Moneyhaveget™, money equals happiness.

You shouldn't need proof, but I would like to take a few minutes to show you why having trillions of dollars really pays off (ultrapun™ intended).

Here are some items that I have purchased over the years. These things are some of the most expensive things I've ever bought. Even though on an individual basis they don't seem to have the ability to increase one's happiness, I can guarantee you that owning all of them does.

This is not a replica. This is an actual time machine DeLorean. I own it. I can travel through time.

A Commodore 64. This was exceptionally difficult to find, so it must be very rare, which means that the $45,000,000.00 I paid for it was a bargain. I'm also impressed with its calculatronic-matrix-powered-computing ability.

The Earth's sun. This is a picture of one of my employees picking up my purchase. I own this constantly exploding fusion reaction. It was very expensive. It makes me happy.

So you see? You can also own impossibly expensive and rare items, all you have to do is make a lot of money. Keep reading the blog sports fans and someday soon you too could be a trillionaire.

Assume the end is neigh

2009-09-06T07:24:00.000-07:00

Need to make more money? One of the best things you can do is assume something is true despite a whole lot of evidence! For example, assume that the end of the world is just around the hilarious corner! How does that help you make money? Be the subsequent Mad Max style world's only supplier of goods and or services.

Set up your shanty town shack in the middle of the irradiated wasteland and sell guns, ammo, smiles, chocolate and cokacola. People, mutants, ultra smart animals alike will flock to your stand and hand over whatever currency you wish to accept.

I suggest accepting gold bars, pelts, hopes, dreams, and Chinese bank notes (because they're probably the ones who caused the global apocalypse anyhow)!

Use the four horses to advertise your wares!

Notice how the sign is held on by magic, and that there is some awesome-lightning (better than regular lightning)? You can double your income by using my patented lightning catcher anytime these glorious steeds of doom 'thunder' by. Or, use Matt's electricity based device. Either will work.

Then, with all your proceeds, you can start your own sovereign nation based on money and not-anarchy. Not-anarchy can be achieved by having lots of money.

Remember, everyone else's money is actually your money, they just haven't given it to you yet.

Aaron is right, which almost never happens

2009-09-03T10:28:00.001-07:00

It's true. It's so easy to make millions by inventing things, using stuff that's just lying around.

Here are some examples from my office:

A wrench:

A chicken:

An iPod:

Equal:

Whoa. Actually, this probably needs more testing.

Kick MacGyver in the facehole

2009-09-03T08:54:00.000-07:00

Today's tip for making more money than Jesus Q. Christ is brought to you by the letter "$".

This one will be quick because its so simple. In fact, there are basic concepts of the universe that are less simple such as; up is the opposite of down, solid matter has mass, Jackie Chan is the best ever, and Matt is the opposite of poor.

I call it the MacGyver principle. All you have to do is become really excellent at finding weird random shit and putting them together into something useful. Then, turn around and sell that really useful item for a profit.

Like I said, its very easy. To prove it, I will show you what I put together to make $40,000,000 this morning.

I hunted around my office for weird random objects, the more random the better, here are the items I found;

Putting these three objects together in a clever manner yields:

The laptop computer can sell for many hundreds of dollars. All I had to do was wrap the toy dinosaur together with the pair of scissors using the toilet paper. Now you try!

Invest in fear

2009-09-02T07:46:00.000-07:00

Ever wonder how specific individuals acquired large amounts of U.S. currency? If your answer is 'no' then you are not a sentient being and should report to the nearest termination facility. If your answer is 'yes' then read on...

I am asking you to invest in fear. It makes more money than you think and there are several methods of acquiring it... using additional fear. For example, my statement above induced fear in you... didn't it? (Rhetorical question, because I know it did). You probably thought "Oh no, a termination facility? I didn't know we had those yet. Wait... am I sentient? I think therefor I am? Or is it; I am therefor I think? Shit! I am overcome with fear, I had better go to Aaron's FearMart™ and purchase fear-reducing items"!

Forcing people to become confused because of lack of information is another way of making money. Walk up to someone on the street and say "Oh my god you didn't know!" and the individual will respond "oh no you are correct, here is money".

Sometimes showing people frightening symbols or imagery will practically force them to withdraw funds into their pants and hand them to you. Here are some terrifying images designed to scare you into spending money...at the end of viewing these, you will have unwillingly given me $30,000.

Seriously? What the fuck is wrong with that dog picture? Why do people do that? People need to stop using photoshop to manipulate animal pictures and make them look like IMPOSSIBLE ANIMALS. I am prepared to pay people to stop making these weird fucking pictures.

You see? Even I was fooled into spending money from proof reading my own post! Fear works wonders on people's wallets. Especially stupid people's wallets.

Don't believe me? Behold some of the other products available for purchase.

This kit is designed for children or 'small' adults. That's you, you fucking midget! Besides, why would you want to save kids in a terrorist attack. After the apocalypse kids are of no use. They can't earn money.

Rich-ass alien technology

2009-09-01T10:17:00.000-07:00

Aliens are rich as FUCK because of all their technology.

Which brings me to today's money-making advice — patenting technology that doesn't exist yet. Observe the video below:

LOOK AT THAT SHIT! That fucking idiot DISAFUCKINGPEARED.

Now, based on my assumption that he's still alive somewhere, the proper course of action is for me to steal his idea, then patent it, to provide myself with some money once all the poor countries on the earth figure out that teleportation is more awesome than every car except this one:

While all you fuckwits are floating around in the ether, I'll be BUSTING HEADS IN MY BATMOBILE.®© (I hold the the rights to the copyright to Batman's car — it's like owning the idea of ownership. This is because I WIN AT LIFE).

Beside the point. You goddamn mouthbreathers are going to have to come up with your own futuristic super-technology, but I will show you how I plan to patent the idea of Star Trek transportation, using a series of simple drawings and schematics, which are required with every patent.

Schematic 1: Person

In the blueprint above:
1) My height: 7 ft. tall.
2) Good hair
3) General coolness around the face and head area
4) Expensive whiskey
5) Giant, invisible penis

Schematic 2: Machine

This blueprint describes how the transporter works, using the twin fuels of Wishes and Magic.

Schematic 3: SSHCCHOOOOWWWWN!

Schematic 4: Result

In this blueprint, the device has worked, taking me to my vacation home on my tropical island, in my temperate ocean.
1: Hot, disease-free women
2: Sun
3: Palm trees.

This is the method by which the United States patent office would like to see all design patent applications and schematics. Live by the rules and profit, people.

Lawsuit

2009-08-30T08:28:00.000-07:00

I would like to draw your attention to something that I got in the mail from Time Warner Cable.

What the fuck is this? Is that a GoSign™ ? I think it is. But instead of a rhombus, they used a Hamptogon© !!! Fuckers! They stole both of our intellectual property.

This morning Matt and I filed a class action lawsuit against these assholes in the New York county court of EXTREMELY LARGE CLAIMS. How is the class defined? It is defined as anyone who is a trillionaire. That just happens to only be Matt and I. How much are we asking for? Well, let us look at the damage.

Since Matt is licensing his Hamptogons™ for $2.95 per person who sees one and I've just recently raised my rates to $4.99 per viewing of a GO!™ sign... using a calcu-matrix processing machine I can multiply these prices by the number of New Yorkers, and I get.... roughly $40 million for the both of us.

Now that is no pocket change (unless of course you possess a couple of $20 million dollar cent pieces... which I have several of in my currency denomination collection), so lets hope and prey to the Christian god that TimeWarner Cable Inc. doesn't go bankrupt over the inevitable outcome of this lawsuit and have to shut off all the cable television for all of its customers.

UPDATE

If your cable television suddenly shuts off, be sure not to blame Aaron or Matt or their company Hadell Industries for the sudden lost connection to precious popular culture. And if you were dumb enough to sign up for their internet phone service... well... then we would just be doing you a favor. SOME KIND OF ULTRA FAVOR ACTUALLY!

Health care seems to be a topic

2009-08-26T08:06:00.000-07:00

Hey, Aaron brings up a great point with his viral marketing idea. Now, more then ever, people are getting sick. Why? Because there's a ton of poor people out of work who can't afford health care. Here's my dad:

He used to own the Toronto Blue Jays. Hell, he's still a minority stake-holder. But now he goes out on his stoop every day, playing his accordion like a forlorn idiot, hoping some kindly doctor will notice his gout, club foot and Scabies and magically heal them out of the kindness of his heart.

We've all been touched by stories like this. Except Aaron, who is so rich he researched and patented nanites that form an impenetrable wall around his entire body, letting in only uncontaminated oxygen. Literally, he has been touched by nothing in years.

But invisible contamination-nanites are still out of reach for the common man. Like you! So I'm here to show you the best way to make money in this country — starting your own insurance company.

My advice? Just do what insurance companies already do. Take people's money for protection, then decline to help when they need it.

This is a time-honored American tradition perfected in another profitable industry.

The best advice? Use Aaron's viral marketing scheme to make potential customers WANT TO BUY INSURANCE! What better way to advertise for your new insurance company than to attach your mission statement to chicken pox — brought to you in conjunction with KFC!

Then, once they make a few payments, you refuse to cure the virus as it is a pre-existing condition.

See how easy it is to make money? All you have to do is surrender any shred of humanity. Hell, why would you want to keep that? It's probably a pre-existing condition.

Viral Marketing

2009-08-25T20:44:00.000-07:00

Today during one of my weekly meetings with generic business associates about my trillions, an idea suddenly came to me faster than a lightning bolt-shaped burrito made of pure irritation.

The key to getting ahead in the future, which according to various science fiction movies from the 80's is next year, is viral marketing. So I decided to provide an easy to understand treatise on viral marketing.

Its rather simple.

Step 1) Place marketing on a virus
Step 2) Infect everyone!

Everybody loves viruses. They are so small and cute. Science would have you believe that they tend to be harmful and dangerous, but who pays attention to science these days anyway? I have a motto: Religious people are CORRECT (because they make so much money all the time 100% A+)

The brilliance of placing marketing messages on viruses and then spreading them is that the virus does the leg work (or brain work, depends on what type of virus it is) for you. A virus' sole purpose is to propagate its DNA. So make its DNA your marketing message!

Want everyone to drink your crappy coffee? Then utilize viral marketing.

Want to target poor people? Swine flu is for you!

Need to improve your rural teenage demographic? Get in touch with the Herpes virus.

Trying to sell your new concept...like...upside down marble banana-based blanket faucets? Or some stupid piece of shit technology that doesn't ever fucking work? I've heard the rhino virus is looking for a little extra cash.

I've personally spoken with every virus, and they've all agreed that they'd be willing to carry messages whilst doing their job. For a small fee of $45,000,000.95 I will put you in touch with your virus of choice and broker the deal that makes you your next fortune!

Ever wonder why you feel the urge to purchase Apple Inc. portable cellular telephones and computational calculamatronic machines? Its because you have AIDS! Properly branded AIDS!

If anyone claims that making money off of other people's ill health is morally reprehensible, direct them to the various benign institutions that already do so. No one seems to mind that GlaxoSmithKline and Pfizer net billions of dollars every femtosecond! So why shouldn't you!? I already told you, stop asking!

Make money (and war)

2009-08-21T09:18:00.000-07:00

The beautiful thing about this blog is that Matt and I often come up with ideas that make billions of dollars, which in turn inspire the other to come up with additional ideas which make additional billions of dollars.

Matt's most recent post about owning land and aspects of nature gave me an idea.

You want to make money? Its so easy, all you have to do is:

START A FUCKING WAR.

I mean shit, imagine how much money you could make? All of that resource using and land grabbing? People don't mind war! They know its for the greater good. What is the greater good you ask? ULTRA-MONEY.

It is so easy, and there is so much president... I mean precedent. Look at that kick ass tank up above! If the barrel of THAT gun was pointed at you, wouldn't you give up your land IN A HAPPY AND LOVING MANNER?!

Everybody gets a turn at being rich, and sometimes, your turn is over... let other people be rich... goddammit. Play fair. If you've had access to oil fields for 20 years, let someone else try and run them.

"So Aaron, are you suggesting that one should profit off of violence and death?"

Let me answer that by asking another question; "Are you NOT suggesting that one should NOT profit NOT off NOT of happiness and non-death™ (or life)?"

That makes sense!

Here are the easy steps:
1)Invest heavily in private military contractors, weapons, metal, and oil companies.
2)Start a war in a resource rich land such as Africa or the Earth's Sun
3)Sit back and count your quadrillions

Don't have any strategic experience fighting wars? No problem... idiot. Here is a fool proof plan to invade other countries:

No body ever fails at this, everyone who has tried has succeeded. Need proof? Look who else has directly profited off of war!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bush Jr.

Bush Sr.

Ronald

Dick

Jebus

All stand up reputable men! These people know how to run a business, and how to use sovereign nations to their advantage.

Now I am suggesting that you do the same thing. Is it really that much different than what Matt suggested you do? No. Its almost the exact same thing, just an extension. Its some kind of... same... extension... or Samestention™ !!

Click on the names above for more information about how they made their money!

HURRAY FOR ALL THINGS.

Scissors beat paper

2009-08-20T08:36:00.000-07:00

Unless that paper is money. Because money buys scissors, paper, rock, and most of all, money harnesses the awesome power of nature.

See this deer?

It's mine. I bought it. It's a beautiful piece of natural wonderment and now that shit is MINE, along with:

All that shit is mine because I have a bunch of these:

Most of those are largely theoretical and tied up in my investments in things like the space-elevator and the elephant defibrillator (elephant heart attacks kill dozens of people every decade through tragic "faint-crushings").

But now I'm going to help you harness the power of nature, just like Aaron did!

First, you're going to need some land. If there are any Sioux or Cherokee living near you, just take theirs. Don't worry about being taken to court, you can cite precedent.

Next, you're going to want to find any rivers or lakes on your property. Failing that, just find a town where only poor people live.

Once that's done, you're going to want to install one of these babies:

That, for those of you who are fucking stupid, is the Hoover Dam. Basically, it harnesses the power of water or tranquility or something, by spinning, and creating the sweet, sweet electricity that Aaron has been so keen on collecting with his new Awesomevention®. Awesomevention® is the word we created and patented to describe an invention that is INCREDIBLY USEFUL.

Once you've got your dam in place, and you flood your haunted indian property (oh you better believe those crazy bastards put a curse on that land), all you have to do is install some coils or copper wiring or some shit. Don't ask me how electricity works, it's something about neutrons. I dunno.

Anyway, once you've got all of that electricity stored up, simply plug yourself into that shit and you're ready to take over the galaxy:

You see that guy? You do that enough times and you can have all the money you want. People will just GIVE it to you.

Electrifying amounts of money

2009-08-19T16:57:00.000-07:00

Last night, a thunder storm rolled into town. Fortunately, it had asked my permission to do so before it did (I'm so rich that things like forces of nature and sentient beings need now apply for my permission to exist, its called ExistencePermission©™®¶å∆´and its a thing now... so... that'll be $4.00).

All of that permissible lighting gave me an idea for my next money making product. Introducing the LightningCatcher®

How does it work? Its really simple. You place this device on your roof, or the nearest tallest building during a thunder storm and simply sit back and wait. Lightning will be captured in the sophisticated bucket/machine that is indicated by the black Rhombus®©™ and piped into dollar signs. If you look closely, you will notice something hilariously different about the dollar sign in the realistic photograph above. Thats right! Its got three lines down the middle. Why? Because this machine doesn't produce regular money, it produces SUPER VALUABLE ULTRA MONEY!!!!! This new type of currency is so fucking incredible that it requires a third line down the middle of its symbolic pictogram to indicate its superbness™.

We're not fucking around here. You wouldn't believe the kind of things you could purchase with lightning-infused super money.

I will now list some examples:

1)Additional goods
2)Additional services
3)Other people's birthdays
4)the letter "Q"

So let us recap. You can now generate super-income by harnessing a force of nature via my amazingly complex contraption that you can not build yourself (pictured above), which in turn generates ultra-money (more better than regular-ass money)...(more-better is now trademarked...twice) and umm.... shit! I'm so rich off this thing that I forgot what the FUCK ASS I was talking about.

Astrology - the poor man's folly!

2009-08-19T12:06:00.000-07:00

It is also the folly of people who are dumb and want to be taken for a ride.

I went to a psychic once. She told me I would have three children. When I told her that my genitals were burned off in an igloo fire, she took the $50 I had placed on the table and ran.

Fortunately for me — and my wealthy, wealthy genitals — I was lying. But that shiftless gypsy psychic did give me an idea: astrology — for money!

You see, if she can serve several clients an hour, why can't I serve MILLIONS an hour with my website?

Click this link. It's my horoscope.

Many people look to their horoscopes to see how they will do financially. Well, below, I have a listing of all the star signs, and how they'll do this year. It's fun, just find your sign!

Your money outlook:
Aries - not great, if you listen to horoscopes for money advice

Taurus - not great, if you listen to horoscopes for money advice

Gemini - not great, if you listen to horoscopes for money advice

Cancer - so bad, in fact, you might GET your star sign.

Leo - you will also probably get cancer.

Virgo - nope.

Libra - your sign sounds like a lesbian's name. Money fail.

Scorpio - you sound like a Bond villian, and those people are all wealthy. Nice job.

Sagittarius - the longest and therefore dumbest sign. you are poor.

Capricorn - corn is a valuable crop. Nice work. You'll do better than the fish sign,
which is Carpicorn.

Aquarius - water is becoming more valuable, but this confused sign is based on air? Fail.

Pisces - it sounds like the Italian word for fish. Italians know how to make money. win.

Did you read that? If so, give me $200.

MONEY FOR YOUR SOILED CRAP!

2009-08-18T14:17:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the long posting layoff, but Aaron and I forgot that most people don't function on a two-day work week like we do.

Anyway, when I got to my gold-plated space-office this morning — or as we rich people call it, "The three hours before I go home" — I found THIS waiting in my mailbox:

WHOA WHOA WHOA.

I've worked hard my whole life, putting together my trillion dollar fortune the same way everyone does — shady real estate deals, selling solar energy and pilfered art, — but now I find out there's a NEW method.

This guy says you can earn some scratch selling used clothing. Clothing, as I understand it, that did not come DIRECTLY from the hide of whatever valuable animal you had killed to keep you looking warm and sexy.

He's probably right. I mean, if there's anyone who knows about used clothing, it's a guy wearing that jacket.
Hell, he's even found a way to get the most out of consignment clothes by retrofitting some into hair!

He's prepared some research, in the form of a fake Wall Street Journal, which I will be calling the Fake Street Journal.

According to the Fake Street Journal article, no one KNOWS that you can donate clothing, then claim it on your taxes as donated income by performing a voodoo hex involving ram spit and the invocation of ancient, forbidden rites.

900 whole BUCKS, he says.

Listen, I don't know about you guys, but this all seems bogus. There's a Democrat in the White House now, which means the only way you're gonna get money from this government is by pretending to be poor as fuck.

Fortunately, we've got you covered — using the old clothes idea as a jumping off point!

To get that tax donation, just use the S.H.I.T.S©® program. S.H.I.T.S©® stands for

SLAY
HOMELESS
IN
THEIR
SLEEP

Go find this guy (or girl?) and let 'em have it. Then, steal those ratty clothes.

Basically, kill a homeless person, assume their identity, then knock on the door of Congress with your filthy little hand out. The Democrats are in charge of shit now, so they're just GIVING money away, as long as you don't already have any.
If the idea of killing a homeless person seems abhorrent or "wrong" to you, then you CLEARLY don't have as much money as we do. Also, you can just have your valet or man-servant do it if you want. Heck, depending on their salary, just kill them, or see to it that they dispose of themselves.

Every time you use our patented S.H.I.T.S©® program, send us a check for 10 percent of your government sponsored proceeds, or $4 million, whichever is greater.

This girl's got the right idea:

I don't think she murdered anyone, but since this is the internet, I'll just say I have definitive proof that she did. The only step she's missing is the going to Congress part.

If she can do it, you can too!

Make money while you sleep!

2009-08-15T07:55:00.000-07:00

Recently, I received an extremely informative and useful e-mail from someone named Leah Alleson entitled You Can Make Money While You Sleep! .

Wow! I was too busy trying to sell Viking art on Ebay with Matt to consider making money whilst emitting Delta waves from my brain-head. Let us take a look at this e-mail together:

If you're tired of all the so-called "systems" and business opportunities that require you to sell affiliate products, run pay per click advertising campaigns, operate websites or recruit new members then I have excellent news for you.

My goodness! In fact I am utterly exhausted of so-called systems. I hate systems! What a crappy concept... pfft... systems. Who ever needed systems? And business opportunities? Nah. I'm used to making money IN SPITE OF business opportunity.

Keep reading because I guarantee that this will be the most important piece of information you will ever read about making money online... or in general for that matter.

Now I am intrigued. I mean, I've read newspapers, I've read history books, and I've read the constitution... but how to make money while I sleep? Clearly there isn't any other morsel of fact or information out there that is more important than gaining additional funds in the night. I am so glad that this individual has not only brought this information to my attention via the convenient method of e-mail, but that the author of this e-mail can readily qualify the value of the information contained in this e-mail by clearly stating that it is the most important item... ever. Now, there is no mistake. I have burned my library down to the ground, I also burned Matt's original papyrus and parchment collection of the Dead Sea Scrolls, and I've asked my office to shred all of our financial documentation, receipts and licenses. We don't need 'em!

This system is called "Daily Cash Jobs" and it does NOT involve any of the following:

* No building websites

* No selling products - in any way shape or form

* No advertising

* No data entry

* No Adsense

* No mailing lists

* No rebate processing

* No recruiting new members - this is not MLM

* No uplines or downlines

* No currency trading

* No chain letters

* No surveys or "paid to read" programs

Click here now!

Everybody loves good examples of proper asterisk use! This person really has it down. I mean, I thought my GO!™ Sign was hot shit, but this "system" takes the non-proverbial cake (the system literally anthropomorphized itself and removed a cake from my refrigerator somehow). According to this system, I DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING THAT INVOLVES MAKING MONEY. H.G. Wells once said "Advertising is legalized lying." Clearly, since the e-mail posits that I can make money WITHOUT advertising, then nothing I would be doing is a lie. I would also not need to trade currency... which is good... because... umm.... I do that shit all the time and it nets me millions of dollars every second! So does advertising! So does selling products!

This e-mail is great. It lists some of the more lucrative "systems" or concepts available to a capitalist society and clearly states that in order to make real money, I need not do any of them. The name of the company that supplies all of this information? Cashgalaxysystems! What a superb name. Not only does it demonstrate a strong command of the English language, but it incorporates the word "systems" which we were just told to not believe in. Not to mention the word "cash." Everybody wants that, except for those who are allergic to cash. And "galaxy?" This lets us know that there isn't a better money making concept in the entire galaxy... they've checked!

UPDATE: Its been 30 years now on this system that I mentioned above, and I've actually had to remain awake while making money. This e-mail lies! You can't click on the link in the e-mail while you are sleeping. You just end up poking your own eyeball repeatedly with your index finger instead.

Here is how you REALLY make money sleeping:

Introducing SolarSleep™©®!!! Generate electricity from the Earth's sun while you sleep! This is the best idea ever. Why? Because! But also, it has to do with the unique science behind it all. Most humans sleep outdoors while the sun is shining bright. Now you can harness that completely natural and common occurrence into energy that you can sell back to the grid for $$$! Then, you can go to the bank and exchange those $$$ for actual money! Its so simple yet so incredibly patented and trade-marked! Look for the SolarSleep™©® in hilarious stores soon!

Art + Vikings = Money

2009-08-14T13:14:00.000-07:00

So here we are. After building our boat and storming the Guggenheim, now we've got a valuable piece of art to call our own, or, if we are enterprising, several pieces of art. But how to turn this shitty expression of the beauty inside into delicious cash?

Step 3: eBay

I know. It seems TOO easy. It seems like there's no way that a massive, interconnected network of shiftless sellers and desperate, idiotic buyers could turn into money for you.

If you're reading this, it's your lucky day. You're about to get in on the ground floor of the hottest art market on the superweb, which is the special internet for rich people.

Just click this link.

"But Matt, there's nothing there!"

EXACTLY, BITCHES!

The Universe hates a vacuum, which is why it's so fucking dusty in here. But also, now is the BEST time to flip your purloined artwork for MILLIONS in profit!

Let's take that Kandinsky I swiped earlier with the help of my viking pals.

All I have to do is throw that shit on the internets. Take a look:

Now rich motherfuckers from all over the internet will be stabbing each other in the balls to get my painting at the LOW, LOW price of 90 million dollars. The best part about this? There's museums fucking EVERYWHERE. You can do this for sculptures, photography, topiaries, video art and weird German shit where they cover buildings with burlap. Whatever you want!

But no matter what kind of art you choose to steal, remember, the important thing is to have fun — and turn a profit.

Further adventures in acquiring fine art

2009-08-14T10:34:00.000-07:00

Glad you could come along for the second part in my continuing series on acquiring — and flipping — fine art. In step 1, we discussed building your own viking longboat.

Step 2: Sail to and board the Guggenheim

The Gugenheim is a world-renowned museum showcasing the works of some of civilization's greatest artistic minds. Which makes it a great place to 'window shop,' which is what vikings call pillaging. Vikings were pretty narrow in the scope of their pillaging, usually taking women, gold and herd animals. If those idiots had only known how easy it is to make money, they would have taken real estate, valuable concepts like 'social networking,' and top secret military blueprints.

Once in the museum, you'll want to make use of an axe or cudgel to dispatch security, and intimidate any would-be heroes. Of course, who am I kidding? 'Heroes' in the art-appreciation community, who would dare to think of such a thing!

Now, the only thing you have to do is select the most striking piece. If I may make a suggestion, the museum is hosting a lovely Kandinsky retrospective right now, containing a number of priceless works. This one would go nicely in my 300-acre bathroom (my bathroom has to be that large, otherwise the deer won't graze the plains grass down to a suitable height, and then I'd have to use a toilet like a poor person).

If expressionists aren't your thing, who cares? You're just going to sell it anyway, which is what we'll discuss in step 3!

Money-making tips!

2009-08-14T08:28:00.001-07:00

I'm glad Aaron brought up our trillionaire trip to the art museum, because it brings me to today's money-making tip: Art! or more accurately, CHANNELING THE NORDIC SPIRIT TO STEAL ART AND SELL IT TO YOUR BILLIONAIRE FRIENDS.

Look, we know how tough things are right now for people who don't have trillions of dollars and work at HEDGEFUNDRAIDERSWITHHUGEBRAINS.COM. That's why we started this blog. But if you just follow our prescribed course, soon you'll be at least 1/8 as rich as we are, and our fortunes combined encompass 34 percent of all the currency in the industrialized world, so... there you go.

Anyway, I'm sure you're thinking "Matt, how can I make my violent Norse ancestry work for me?" Well, it's easy. Over the course of the day I'll give you a step-by-step roadmap to honoring your Scandinavian forebears, all while making MILLIONS in SECONDS.

Step 1: Build a sturdy viking vessel

This might seem like a difficult task, but it's really not.
All you need is lumber, 8 stout men, the blood of a sacrificial lamb (a goat will do in a pinch) and several months worth of skins, animal fat and salted meats to sustain you on your journey. Bringing along someone skilled in the dark arts is not a bad idea either, to ward off any evil ocean spirits or hulking mer-men.

I'm not a fucking carpenter, so if you need instructions, go to the link there, or hire some poor people to do it for you. Thanks to the recession, never have you had so many poor to choose from!

Once your viking ship is complete, you're ready to set sail to ADVENTURE, and more importantly, profit!

Dangerous Art

2009-08-14T06:54:00.000-07:00

Last night, Matt and I, along with our friend Ryan, went to an art exhibit by an artist who was commissioned by the Queens Museum to produce... well... to produce what we saw.

We were initially drawn to this exhibit because of its description:

Those About to Die Salute You, a battle on water wielded with baguette swords and watermelon cannon balls by New York’s art dignitaries, will take place on Thursday, August 13, 2009 at 6 pm in a flooded World’s Fair-era reflecting pool in Flushing Meadows Corona Park, just outside of the Queens Museum of Art. Various types of vessels have been designed and constructed by artist provocateur Duke Riley and his collaborators: the galleons, some made of reeds harvested in the park, will be used to stage a citywide battle of the art museums in which representatives from the Queens Museum of Art, the Brooklyn Museum, Bronx Museum of the Arts, and El Museo del Barrio will battle before a toga-clad crowd of frenzied onlookers. The event is free and open to public. Dress code: Toga. Live music by Hell-Bent Hooker. Beverages will be served. RAIN OR SHINE.

The reason I put emphasis on the words "art" and "artist" is because this exhibition had almost no artistic value whatsoever. That doesn't mean it wasn't a blast. Literally. The evening was explosive. Literally. Shit exploded. Literally. And figuratively. But mostly literally.

The event started with Another one Bites the Dust by Queen blasting on some waterproofed speakers. While this epic song was playing, two women of equal unattractiveness were dancing inappropriately in the distance. Normally, I'm not adverse to two women humping each other on stage, but they didn't seem to realize that about 10,000 children were present at this event, gazing awkwardly at the spectacle before them. It just made things a little awkward.

It started to get crazy after the song ended and the next song began. About 10 minutes into the following rock ballad, before the drums kicked in, people started to get bored. That is when they started throwing shit into the water. It started with pieces of bread, lightly chucked into the air to land in the three foot deep pool. It got a little more interesting when someone started to throw the tomatoes. You see, the staff of this event had left boxes of tomatoes everywhere asking people to throw them only at a specific time. But that specific time was TAKING TO LONG TO OCCUR. Someone started to chuck these fat, red, juicy fruit/vegetable combinations at the spot light operator hoisted 15 feet into the air on a precarious platform extender.

Then the gates of hell opened as the seventh circle of the demons emerged into our universe at that spot in spacetime. People went ape shit with the throwing of items. Old women were getting pegged in the face by street cones, the water no longer consisted of mostly hydrogen and oxygen but instead of little children, grown men, and trash... nothing was sacred anymore. And the best part? The show hadn't even started yet. This pandemonium went on for at least another 10 minutes, during which Matt got nailed in the balls by a tomato.

Eventually the host of the show got a hold of a microphone and attempted to begin his lines from a script that had been prepared. However, he quickly realized that NOTHING was going to go as planned. So he then ordered everyone to, and I quote, "Get the fuck out of the pool".

Now, I know that little children in New York City are much more familiar with curse words mostly because the city's inherent shittyness forces adults to curse on a regular basis, but somehow it didn't seem appropriate for this man to yell "fuck" at little children.

They were blasting various high powered, motivating songs from Queen and other 80's rock favorites. Not exactly soothing, calming, or pacifying.

Eventually, most people got out of the pool and the first ship emerged.
It was quickly destroyed by the audience.

The second ship came out and that too was quickly destroyed. Meanwhile, the announcer's microphone had failed...so there was no script, no description as to what was going on, and no order in any sense of the word.

So at that point, they just let all the ships come out and fight each other mercilessly in an extremely chaotic and hilarious fashion. Nothing made sense. There were modern battle ships up against galleons who were fending off giant... weird... pig boats.

Meanwhile, audience members are still hurdling any object they can find at each other, and taking it upon themselves to jump into the pool and fight the boats hand to...ship.

However, the most dangerous aspect of this spectacle occurred after all of the ships were destroyed and hauled out of the water. At this point, they floated out a smaller replica of a cruise ship (all of this by the way is historically accurate. The Romans did at one point fight the U.S. Navy and the Staten Island Ferry company at sea) for no readily apparent reason. That is... until we noticed that it was on fire.

Inside this ship there were carefully placed, timed fireworks that were supposed to go off in a relatively safe and ordered manner. This of course did not happen. Instead, all of the fireworks went off randomly, some of them exploding at ship level. Bottle rockets went hurdling into the audience exploding in people's faces, sparks rained down into trees, and the ship was slowly becoming more engulfed in flames. All the while, the announcer was attempting to tell people to "get the fuck out of the pool", but his mic wasn't working very well.

At this point we left... with huge smiles on our faces. This was one of the most hilarious and dangerous art installations I had ever witnessed. I'm sure several people died. Especially during the extremely loud explosion that we heard after we were about a hundred yards a way. We could only speculate that someone had lit a stick of dynamite and thrown it into the pool as an expression of deep appreciation for art.

What does this have to do with money you ask? Nothing. It was free, except for the $5 ice cream I purchased from one of those roving ice-cream selling vehicles. Sometimes, the worst things in life are free!

I'm sure this all seems overwhelming

2009-08-13T13:09:00.000-07:00

I know it's confusing — rhombuses, Hamptagons® — I feel your anxiety right through the computer, using an invention that you're not supposed to know about if you don't have an American Express Black Card.

With all of this shape talk, you might be thinking "Matt, I just feel like my quest to make money through the manipulation of geometric forms is like trying to put a square peg in a round hole."

Well, now, thanks to a new product, you CAN.

With Matt Hampton's Pick-a-Peg, you can turn pretty much any peg into the right peg for your situation.

Just mash that shit into the hole, and you're done. It's the right PEG for EVERY situation. Available by calling 1-800-PEG-MENOW.

The first tube is five bucks. Each additional tube grows in price by a factor of 10 until all of the money on the earth has been devalued and the new world currency is tubes of 'Matt Hampton's Pick-a-Peg.'

DO NOT USE INTERNALLY. OR IN THE SEXUAL WAY THAT I KNOW HALF OF YOU ARE THINKING.

[UPDATE]

It has recently come to my attention that the company which picks up when you call 1-800-PEG-MENOW may not be appropriate for all age groups or sexual orientations, or fucking mormons.

If you are offended by the fact that I sell this product in conjunction with a gay sex chat line — which has saved me LITERALLY hundreds of dollars in overhead fees — then simply plug your ears when calling and shout your credit card number into the receiver, loudly and clearly.

If you have already ordered 'Matt Hampton's Pick-a-Peg,' please refrain from using it to plug your ears, as this will void the warranty of both the product and your ears.

Street sign

2009-08-13T10:47:00.000-07:00

Expanding upon Matt's recent acquisition of the octagon, I've begun investing a few million in some marketing research with regards to my recent acquisition of the rhombus. One excellent benefit of being as wealthy as I am is that you can afford a top notch design team to come up with the kind of imagery that will really blow people's minds. The following is my idea to turn a tasty profit off of my new geometric property.

Introducing, the GO!™ sign. I am currently in talks with the New York City's Department of Transportation regarding my plan to place these bad boys wherever there ISN'T a Stop sign. You see, not only will it help alleviate some of the daily congestion caused by your average New Yorker's seeming lack of willingness to understand the concept of GOING IN A FORWARD DIRECTION IN ONE'S AUTOMOBILE, but it will also require that the tax payers send me a dime for every time they pass one of these signs.

Recently I've been really encouraged by some of the responses from my initial inquiries into the DOT's office; one very nice man who answered the phone asked me if I would "seek help and stop calling". The superintendent suggested that I "go fuck myself in my ear hole with a non-traffic related orange cone".

All extremely encouraging.

Remember New Yorkers (especially you shitdicks in Queens), when you DON'T see a stop sign, GO!™

A recent conversation

2009-08-13T09:09:00.001-07:00

Matt and I had a conversation recently about how many trillions of dollars we have and what our plans are for this money. The conversation went something like this:

Aaron: 'lo Matt
Matt: Fuck you shit-puter
Aaron: Behold, another check for a billion dollars, addressed to me personally
Matt: I say, you have so much money that you could actually purchase a social concept such as Friendship or Ingenuity
Aaron: Perhaps I'll just purchase the idea of buying things... then sell it.
Matt: ...
Aaron: Done and done
Matt: Nope
Aaron: Yup

Make the ordered universe work for you

2009-08-13T07:54:00.001-07:00

To build on something that Aaron said, it might seem improbable that you could buy all proprietary rights to a shape, but thanks to the wonders of our modern world, I've patented the following:

Now, to the layman, it might not seem that useful to own the film, novel, comic book, resale, research and development, captivity, space shuttle and proprietary rights to the octagon, but how many of you bitches have ever seen one of these?

There are fucking MILLIONS of those things, all over America. I probably saw, and ignored, a dozen of them on my way to my job at HEDGEFUNDAMERICASPLOSION on Wall Street, which is where I work.

Once my patent application goes through, the government will have to pay me every time people stop and observe my beautiful octagons, or as they will soon be known, Hamptagons.

So what are you waiting for? Get out there and patent the square before someone else comes up with the idea for an object that has four sides.

5 Purchasable items

2009-08-13T07:09:00.000-07:00

Those little guys look exactly the same! Very confusing. Anyway, here is a list of five items I intend to purchase with my trillions of dollars:

1)A 5-wheel drive car
2)A trombone made entirely of musical notes...real musical notes, none of that pretend shit
3)The concept of a vacation
4)Somebody's face
5)All rights associated with a geometric shape

So many people ask me how I do it.

2009-08-12T14:22:00.000-07:00

And I just tell them to fuck off.

But then I think to myself, "Wait. These are people who need help. All they want to do is poop gold."

Well fuckers, now you can. There's an easy first step on the road to pooping gold, and I'm not talking about eating gold. I'm talking about tricking other people into doing shit that you would never in your right mind do.

Look at these fucking guys:

Well, DO PEOPLE IN YOUR AREA EVER DIE? ANSWER ME!

You think those tiny bitches made money from shady real estate deals? Fuck no, Sally. They made that money pushing other lemmings off that sad, sad cliff. And now, you can to.

If you're SERIOUS about making money, and I mean real, honest to God, fuck-a-professional-tennis-player-for-the-rest-of-your-life type money, then send me ten dollars, and I'll send you a special "Platinum Subscription" to this blog, which will teach you secret ways to get idiots to send you ten dollars a pop.

There's not even a fucking CATCH!

One thousand dollars

2009-08-12T12:19:00.000-07:00

I'm already very rich. I make so much money than I can afford... like... at least 40 different pairs of scissors. I don't know how wealthy you are, dear reader, but I probably have more money than you. Let us just say that I make AT LEAST 4 figures annually. If you were to look in my wallet right now, I bet you would find something along the lines of one or two Andrew Jacksons.

However, I've fallen prey to the same problem that every extremely wealthy person of my stature falls prey to; I want more money.

My other extremely rich friend Matt and I have decided to share with you all of the "get rich" schemes that we've come up with and are going to utilize in order to become the wealthiest men in the galaxy.

Why are we sharing our secrets with you? One simple word: Omnicrapulance. Don't understand that word? That is because you are not rich enough to. It means that our money making plans can only be accomplished by people with experience handling several hundreds of dollars at a time. Meaning us, not you. Since we are so confident that you won't be able to successfully implement our plans, we feel it necessary to brag relentlessly about them in this word-based inter space logging format.

Enjoy!